Ask Mary Mac

We've moved...Come Visit!

2010-11-11T14:02:00.000-05:00

Hello my friends,

I've taken the past several months to learn the wordpress environment which gives me many more options. It allows me to combine my website with my blog and, boy, does it flow well.

I hope you will join me at www.AskMaryMac.com where you will find all my writings. Subscribe there so I'll be able to keep in touch with you.

I'm looking forward to your comments on the blog posts! And you can always connect with me directly through the "contact" page.

Blessings and thank you for your continued support.

MaryMac

P.S. Please send along the link above to any of your friends who might be bereaved.

Kids Who Grow Stronger After Trauma

2010-09-16T16:55:00.000-04:00

I wanted to share with you a recently published article in the Wall Street Journal entitled, "Kids Who Grow Stronger After Trauma" by Sue Shellenbarger which speaks about the length of time it takes for our young ones to deal with significant trauma in their lives.

This is the very reason we raise funds at the Foundation for Grieving Children...to give to community-based organizations which help children work through their pain and loss after a loved one's death.

I encourage you to learn more by clicking on the links above.

9/11/10 - Nine Years Later

2010-09-11T20:24:00.006-04:00

Over Labor Day weekend, my Aunt and I decided to watch the video of my cousin's wedding from back in 1996. As the camera man passed around the microphone for each person at the tables to wish the newlyweds their best for a successful, happy and prosperous life, we came to the groom's cousin and his wife.

Tears came to my Aunt's eyes. For this cousin had been killed in the Twin Towers on September 11th, 2001.

I watched him wish my cousin, the bride, and his cousin, the groom, a lifetime of happiness. I especially looked at his wife and all I could think was here they were enjoying a wonderful family wedding never realizing only five years later their entire world would be shattered by radicals who wish to harm our people and our great country.

As the tape played, my Aunt reminded me who his parents were when they appeared and we saw them dancing and laughing. We talked about how hard it was for his parents and how they nearly split up themselves from the trauma of losing a child.

We spoke about how they had had a memorial event and I donated several dozen of my book "Understanding Your Grieving Heart After a Loved One's Death" which my Aunt put in beautiful baskets with other items to be sold at the auction to raise funds. I had forgotten I did that until she reminded me.

No matter how many years go by, we cannot forget. For several months, our country was numb. And in NYC, longer than that.

I guess it's beyond me how officials in NYC are still playing the 'politically correct' card with all we've been through. There is no reason to build a mosque at Ground Zero when there are two in close proximity to it already. It's a slap in the face of law abiding, good people who have no evil intention.

It is also beyond me how Pennsylvania and DC have their memorials built long ago and we're still working on New York's.

Nine years ago at this hour, we saw smoke flowing for miles around the southern tip of Manhattan. Fires still burning, buildings still waiting to fall, nearly 3,000 people dead including 343 firefighters, many who were friends of another cousin of mine, a FDNY Lieutenant.

Let us always remember the victims of this earthshaking day and the families who were forever changed.

Uniting Children of Vietnam War Heroes

2010-06-01T02:53:00.011-04:00

Today on Memorial Day 2010, I was so delighted to learn about a wonderful organization which was started 20 years ago to unite the children of the 58,260 men who were killed in the Vietnam War.

"Sons and Daughters in Touch" will celebrate their Dads' lives this Father's Day, June 20th, as they do each year on this special day, by gathering at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall at 10:00 a.m. in Washington, D.C.

Its leader, Tony Cordero, lost his dad when he was quite young and I commend him for providing such a heartwarming and healing opportunity for hundreds of thousands of children, who are now adults, who lost their fathers during the Vietnam War.

No one helps us heal better than another person who has walked in our exact shoes. They lived through seeing their Dad come home for short periods of time and be redeployed. They and their family members lived with the fear of not knowing whether he would return. Members of SDIT know exactly what it's like to walk in those shoes. And nothing could bring more comfort than sharing with a fellow survivor.

If you know of a family who survived the loss of a father, son, brother, uncle, cousin or other relative in Vietnam, please forward this information to them.

I applaud Mr. Cordero and the countless volunteers who help children, whatever their age, acknowledge their grief and celebrate the lives of their beloved Dads.

Sending Prayers to Heaven

2010-02-28T23:55:00.003-05:00

As the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver, British Columbia come to a close, I wish to acknowledge the courage of Canada's Joannie Rochette who beyond all emotional pain following the sudden death of her mother, continued to see her and her mother's dream come to pass.

Brava Joannie...

Hope For Haiti...For the Past 20 Years

2010-01-22T02:02:00.004-05:00

While its very admirable that the Hollywood community would rally to raise funds for those affected by the horrendous aftermath of such an earthquake in Haiti last week, I'd like to make you aware of an organization which has been helping the Haitian people for over 20 years, which truly deserves your support.

One of the key concerns for families donating their hard-earned dollars is always that the funds contributed will do the most good for the purpose the money was given. That was my desire when I developed the Foundation for Grieving Children.

When such major telethons join with the Red Cross, United Way and others who have, in the past, shown they have so many tiers of administration or that the funds are not managed well, I personally look toward other non-profits whose motivation is a pure heart.

Consequently, I'd like to introduce to you an organization known as Hope for Haiti founded by a good friend, JoAnne Kuehner. Her husband and I are alumni of the University of Scranton and I learned of her work many years ago.

She has a pure heart toward the children and families of Haiti and has been doing this work for over 20 years. This is the type of organization which deserves our support.

Ironically, the telethon tomorrow night has the same name as her organization which has been doing this work long before the earthquake.

So I encourage you to consider sending any donation you choose to make for the survival of the people of Haiti to JoAnne's organization. They have successfully helped the Haitian people in the past and are already on the ground.

They know the land, the people, the needs, the politics. From my perspective, they have a much greater ability to get the job done more efficiently and effectively than any group which has spung up overnight since the earthquake. For these new organizations, it's a learning process. For JoAnne's organization, Hope for Haiti, it's commonplace.

In this day and age, it is necessary to use our donated dollars wisely. Give your gift to Hope for Haiti at www.hopeforhaiti.com. They will use your generosity with wisdom and speed and, most of all, much love.

Our prayers are with all who have endured this tragic event and all who have given of their time to help these families rebuild each shattered life.

God Bless the nation of Haiti and its people. And God Bless JoAnne and her team for the countless years of dedication toward this cause.

When Grief Takes No Holiday

2009-12-18T01:25:00.003-05:00

Katherine glanced at the oversized banner promoting 25% off all men’s wear. “That’s one department I won’t need to shop in this season,” she thought. A suffocating feeling soon overwhelmed her. The holiday music seemed louder, the decorations larger, and the shoppers multiplied with each panic-stricken stride toward the parking lot. Moments later, she found herself collapsed in her car, weeping uncontrollably.

For most families, year-end holidays are a time of reunion, festive meals, and gift giving. But for the bereaved, those grieving the death of a loved one, this time of year can bring anxiety, mixed emotions, and heartache.

If you are grieving the death of someone close this season, there are a number of things you can do to reduce the stress and alleviate unnecessary pain.

· Understand that you are working at limited capacity and have less physical and mental energy. You may have trouble focusing and concentrating. You may need more rest. Don't beat yourself up about this. There is no magical way to cope with your pain during the holiday season. Be gentle and patient with yourself. The holidays will definitely feel different this year and perhaps a number of years to come.

· Be selective with invitations. Don't accept invitations simply because of obligation, past attendance, or guilt. There are no "shoulds" anymore. Do what makes you feel comfortable surrounded by caring, compassionate people who understand your grief and are willing to support whatever emotions may come up for you.

· Build into each invitation the ability to change your mind. Yes…change your mind. It's okay to change your mind. With each RSVP, you might say, "I really want to join you, but I'm afraid I'll wake up that day and not feel like being around a lot of people. So I'm accepting on the condition that I can cancel at the last minute or, if I do attend and it gets too much for me, you won't be offended if I leave early." Now you've set the stage to be comfortable either way.

· Keep planning simple. The more complex, the more energy you need. Make a list of all your traditional activities. Next to each event write down your thoughts and feelings: This year I don’t have the motivation to cook dinner for twenty guests. In a third column entitled "How could we do this differently?" write alternative ideas to that tradition: Ask my sister to prepare dinner this year or would Christmas brunch be easier. Discuss these new possibilities with family members. Let the list sit for a day or two then go back and make some decisions.

· After you've made these decisions, don't second-guess yourself. And don't feel guilty. You are doing what you need to do to cope with this intense holiday and all the emotion it brings.

· Limit the activities you do choose. If you decide to bake your famous cookies, make three dozen instead of the usual six. Recruit a family member or friend to shop for the ingredients, decorate the delicacies, and help clean up.

· Break down your chosen activities into small segments. Don't try to do everything all at once. There is no hidden law that says you must decorate the Christmas tree and the entire house the same day.

· Don't expect perfection either in what you plan, the gifts you buy for others, or the activities you attend. Shop for gifts via store and mail order catalogs, and the internet. Many merchants will wrap, include a giftcard, and ship directly to your loved one.

· Spread the joy around. If you’ve had an opportunity to sort through your loved one’s belongings, now may be the perfect time to present that special memento to your family member.

· Try to add one new tradition in memory of your loved one. Meet at the cemetery as a family to decorate a small Christmas tree. Visit the lake, beach, park, or mountains to release colorful helium balloons with private messages to them attached to each ribbon.

· Communicate with family and friends - they cannot automatically figure out what you need. If you want others to speak openly about your loved one - using their name out loud - you must express your wishes to them. Often those closest to us are uncertain whether mentioning your loved one by name will bring you joy or pain. They need for you to give them permission.

· Find a supportive friend who will stay close to you during those difficult times throughout the holidays. Depression can easily set in along with the desire to hide under the covers. Don't let this happen to you. If you are feeling blue, call that friend and talk it out. Play soothing music in your home and pull back the curtains to welcome in the sunshine. Call your local 24-hour crisis center or perhaps your favorite ministry’s prayer line. These folks are trained to listen and help you. Don't shut yourself out from the rest of the world no matter how tempting.

· Spend the holidays with someone. Try not to be alone. Consider when the loneliest times are for you and make arrangements to visit with others, have them visit with you, or plan an activity out.

· Include the children. Don’t be fooled into believing children do not grieve. They simply do not have the language skills to adequately express their pain. Encourage them to draw pictures and decorate cards to hang on the tree or fireplace mantel.

· Spend more time with teenagers and young adults - this may be their first death experience. New emotions associated with the grieving process can be scary. If you are having difficulty connecting with your child, ask a trusted relative to “shepherd,” or watch over, them. Don’t be offended if they find comfort sharing their fears with an adult other than you. Your pride is less important than finding your child a safe haven to express himself.

· Limit your use of drugs and alcohol. Masking the pain doesn't make it go away – it only postpones the grieving process. You don't want to compound one painful situation with a long-term addiction.

· Do for others. By volunteering to help your community’s less fortunate, you take the focus off yourself and your pain. Is there a local nursing or retirement home that would appreciate your family’s time?

· If you find yourself happy, smiling or laughing, don't feel guilty about it. You are entitled to the release laughter brings.

In The Blink of an Eye

2009-11-06T01:03:00.006-05:00

Well it’s been an interesting few months for me personally. On Monday evening August 31st Frank and I were driving home when an “alleged” drunk driver plowed into us head on, leaving us both unconscious in a near fatal crash.

Fortunately we were taken to the number one Trauma Center in the area, Hackensack University Medical Center in New Jersey, and spent seven weeks there being treated by a phenomenal Trauma Team, Orthopaedic Surgeons, Nurses and Aides.

This one irresponsible act has caused a great deal of trauma, pain, countless broken bones and realigned life plans for both us and family members who have graciously risen to become caregivers to us. Frank remains in critical care at the hospital and I’ve recently moved to a rehabilitation facility to work toward my recovery.

But as I’ve laid staring up at ceiling panels (do you have any idea how many tiny holes they have in them?) in between three surgeries, blood tests, IV changes, XRays, CT Scans, several pints of blood, Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, mountains of paperwork, police visits, and the constant consultations with nurses, trauma doctors and surgeons, you have no choice but to reassess how to move forward. And after the morphine fog slowly dissipates, and through a lot of trial and error you figure out a new pain management system, you begin to make plans again.

My beloved Foundation for Grieving Children, aka as the F4GC (http://www.f4gc.org/), continues to receive just as many grant requests while I’ve been hospitalized. We’d like to fill as many as possible and to do this I need your help.

During the month of November, we are asking our valuable donors and brand new friends who are sympathetic to our cause, to make their best donation at this season and also to extend an invitation and encourage all their friends in their email address books, as well as their Facebook, MySpace, Linked In and other social networking site accounts to give at least $10.00 sometime before November 30th. That’s only two coffees or a lunch!

To make it more fun, for each $10.00 donation you will receive 2 chances to win a 32” Insignia TV donated by Best Buy, 529 Fifth Avenue at 44th Street in Manhattan. If you donate $50.00, you’ll receive 10 chances; every $5.00 gives you another chance for the prize.

There are two easy ways to give:

1. By credit or debit card through Facebook (whether you have a facebook page or not) http://www.causes.com/donations/select_donation_method?cause_id=224506 or by

2. Mailing a check to Foundation for Grieving Children, Inc., P.O. Box 3057, New York, NY 10163.

The winner’s name will be posted on our website (hopefully with their smiling face!). Funds raised in November will be sent out as grants in late December to non-profit organizations which assist, educate, counsel and comfort little ones who have experienced their parent, brother or sister, or grandparent’s death.

So please take some time this month as we move into the gift giving season to strongly encourage all your friends on Facebook, MySpace, Linked In, etc. and in your address book to make a donation before November 30th. (Simply send this link to them (http://www.askmarymac.blogspot.com/) Many thanks for spreading the word to everyone you know.

And a very special thank you in advance for your personal donation!

Blessings to you and your family,

Mary Mac
www.facebook.com/askmarymac
http://www.askmarymac.com/

P.S. If you haven’t yet signed up to receive our F4GC newsletter into your inbox, please do so by simply sending an email to f4gc@aweber.com and we’ll send you updates on what’s going on at the Foundation for Grieving Children. We promise not to flood you with emails because I can’t stand that either!! Just the facts madam, just the facts…

P.S.S. If you’d like to do even more, please put our cause on your personal Facebook page.

Loving So Deeply...It Hurts

2009-07-31T17:39:00.003-04:00

I am reminded today of how deeply we grieve and why that really is the case. I believe we grieve so deeply because we loved so deeply. And when someone has loved so deeply they expose themselves to the vulnerability of feeling incredible pain when that loved one has died.

When we are falling in love with someone, there is little thought of all the pain they would eventually feel should their sweetheart leave them through death before they left the other person. We don't give it much thought.

And as years go by and relationships are built and good times are shared and intimacy is developed together, we rarely think of what might happen if that person was no longer with us. If we might lose them to death regardless of when that might be in our lives.

We rarely think it might be sooner than later. We go into relationships thinking we will be with that person until we are old and gray and don't give it much thought that there could ever be a chance they will die prematurely.

But sometimes this happens. We take years to find the love of our lives and never think anything would stop our living the dream together until our 70's, 80's or beyond. We look for the long haul. We look toward the ultimate...being happily together forever.

Yet what happens if forever is a few months, like when a fiancee is lost, or five years like when a new husband is killed, or like 10 years when the children are little and we need to raise them now alone, or 20 years like when the kids are grown and you thought you'd have the rest of your lives together with your sweetheart alone now.

And you find yourself in a situation where you never thought you'd be. You didn't anticipate being alone at this point in your life. You are in love. You still have the fire you had when you began and it was snatched out from you at absolutely the wrong time in your life. There was so much life to still live.

I guess the greatest gift we can give those whom we love desperately is to always honor them, be kind to them and act as though they may not be here tomorrow. If we are kind and loving each and every day and let the nonsense slip away, we will never regret a thing of how we loved them. How we made them the center of our world. How we took the chance to completely and enthusiastically take them into our lives and love them without reservation.

Scary...oh yes. To open yourself up to that level of vulnerability seems crazy in the moment. But there needs always to be a time when we know deep down in our core that this person is my honey...my soulmate. He/she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and I am willing to take the chance to love them unconditionally knowing full well that we could lose them at any time.

But not having loved them would be so much more painful than taking the chance of loving them regardless of our past pains and losses. It takes courage to love again. It takes courage to live again.

And it is possible...

Paris Jackson...What Grief Looks Like

2009-07-11T09:22:00.004-04:00

Regardless of whether you enjoyed Michael Jackson's music, admired his career and his life, or not, he must be given credit for raising such wonderful children.

On Thursday, at his memorial service, the world saw very clearly what a grieving child looks like. Paris Jackson, in all her pain, mustered the courage to speak for herself and her brothers about their Dad and the man he was to her and them.

For a young child to decide it was so important to let the world know what her father meant to her, speaks volumes of the way she was raised and the love she felt for her Dad.

I was amazed at the continued reactions by the media covering the event. I guess for me, who has seen the enormous effect the death of a loved one can have on a child, it seemed slightly insincere. Inside I was thinking, "have they not ever witnessed someone in deep pain before? Had they never, in all their years of reporting, not seen real, raw emotions when a person knows this particular day will change their life forever? Had they never know the death of someone close to them in their life yet?"

Grieving children are everywhere. Sometimes we get to see it up close and Paris gave the world a very clear picture of what that level of pain is like. For a short, very personal, moment, she allowed the world to see just what the loss of a father can do.

While she may not know it, her courage and her comments have helped millions better understand the devastating emotions that will undoubtedly continue to rise up for her and her family in the weeks, months and even years to come.

Grief is never easy...it is not pretty...at times it's even messy, because all of us grieve differently and at different times. And the unnerving thing about it is that until we're in the thick of it ourselves we rarely will know how and when we will react to it.

So I applaud Paris Jackson's courage. For with her very brief comments she helped the world better understand that a child's grief is real and difficult and yet, when expressed, can have a powerful impact on others.

Can't We Bury Our Heroes in Peace?

2009-06-30T21:44:00.003-04:00

When I first heard the story of protestors disrupting the funeral services of our military men and women I thought it was a mistake. Then I found out it was true.

It seems that radical groups are picketing with signs at the burials of our heroes who have served our nation and died to keep us free. Don't they understand that it was they who died specifically to give us this amazing gift to actually have the right to speak out. But please folks...

When a family is at the most vulnerable time in their lives...when they have lost someone who meant the world to them, their parent, sibling, child, the last thing they need is a group of ignorant folks intruding on their pain.

What angers me so is that there seems to be a line that keeps getting crossed which raises the stupidity bar higher and higher. Not to mention the disrespectful bar.

If my grandmother was alive, she'd say "Now how were these people raised?" and I would agree with her. Having the audacity to think that your political views are more important than respecting the privacy of a family who is burying their loved one is completely beyond me.

I don't care what you stand for, whether you try to declare it's your free speech rights, there is absolutely no reason a person with any conscience would additionally and intentionally cause more grief than was necessary for any family who had lost a loved one.

I grew up learning the Golden Rule...do unto others as you would like them to do unto you. It seems to me if all of us would abide by that lesson, we might just pass along some kindness to our fellow human being. And with all the additional stress that our declining economy and the world has stirred up, it seems we would all welcome a bit more kindness into our lives.

Neda - The Angelic Face of Desired Freedom

2009-06-24T11:38:00.006-04:00

How can anyone not be moved by the struggle for freedom that is happening now in Iran. So many young people yearning to have their country break free from the oppression that has taken over their lives for decades now by radical clerics and men striving for ultimate power over all Iranian citizens.

When a religious leader declares himself 'the supreme leader' that says something. When a military is raised against its own people, that says more.

I'm sure on that fateful day, Neda and her friends never expected that she would be killed nor become the symbol of potential freedom for an entire nation. I'm sure her family never expected that she wouldn't be coming home that evening to love and embrace them. I'm sure all who loved her, along with the rest of the world, would never have expected she would become the angelic face of desired freedom for a people who have longed for it.

I have dear friends who are Persian. They still have family back in Iran and they tell me stories about how women were doctors and lawyers and after the revolution in 1979 they were no longer allowed to practice their skills. Can you possibly imagine going to four years of medical school, three years of law school, work in your profession and then one day the government and religious leaders decree you are no longer able to participate in society on a professional level? Would a man stand for that? Unlikely. But that is the type of oppression that they brave people have lived under for all these years.

I remember when Iran was taken over by these radicals. I had just finished college. It took us 444 days to have our prisoners released from their hands and it came on the heels of the inauguration of President Reagan. It started on November 4, 1979 and ended on January 20, 1981. At his inaugural luncheon he announced how the prisoners had left Iranian airspace on their way to a military base in Germany. It was a very happy day in our country that our fellow citizens were no longer in their hands.

But what about all the people in Iran who live under this regime each day. I can't imagine what that might feel like in our country. So much of our lives here in the USA are slowly being taken away from us and our countrymen are starting to raise their hands in protest. It's a good thing to not allow a few to kill the spirit and determination of many. But that's another's day's blog.

I honor the family of this young girl who, unknowingly, gave her life for a cause greater than herself. And while her family cannot even give her a proper burial, I, and many other Americans and citizens of other countries around the world, do send out our condolences to them and hope they know she is now with her loving God.

Memorial Day 2009

2009-05-25T13:19:00.006-04:00

I had the pleasure of reconnecting with a very dear friend of mine recently in anticipation of our undergraduate college reunion in just a few weeks. (Simply can't tell you which one...just too shocking even for me to acknowledge!!)

Anyway, my friend Tom and I both grew up on Long Island and, since at that time their weren't too many folks going to our college from that far away, we became great friends who ultimately would travel home together for weekends.

Tom owned a great little Fiat...you know the kind that made you feel every bump in the road and felt like you were driving inches from the ground...which, of course, you were! So every so many weeks, we'd get together and calculate, based upon exams and activities, which weekends would work out well to travel back home together.

Well, my dear friend Tom, was a practical joker and little Miss Gullible would buy into it every time. One weekend as we're heading home and already on the road, he informs me that he left his wallet at the dorm and since both of us had so little money as college kids, we were in a bad way trying to figure out what to do about the tolls through the Delaware Water Gap in Pennsylvania and the George Washington Bridge to get from New Jersey to New York.

So here we were...no money and, at least for me, a lot of nerves. When we drove through the Delaware Water Gap's 25 cent toll I thought, "what's the most they can do to two college kids for 25 cents?"

But when we came close to GWB, Tom tells me to duck down because he decided to run the toll and since I knew there were those gates that came down in front of each car, all I could imagine was all this wood flying everywhere and some massive group of highway patrolmen chasing us across this huge bridge which crosses over the Hudson River. You know, something out of a movie.

So here we go coming close to the bridge and I remember to this day how nervous I was and thinking if I got a black mark like this on my life, I'd never get a job! Crazy kids.

As instructed, I ducked down low in the seat asking along the way how far we were to the bridge. Tom would update me. Finally, as we get closer he tells me he's going to run through the gate. I'm freaking out, as visions of wood and windshield glass flying everywhere is racing through my mind.

Seconds later I hear a woman toll taker say..."Thank you," and this 'ding' that proclaims the money has been taken, and I realize my dear friend Tom has tricked me again, only this time over the length of a two hour drive. I thought I would die. All he could do was laugh as I screamed at him. I thought I would kill him. And if I recall I did hit him a few times.

So why am I telling you about this funny story...because my friend Tom, I have just learned, is a proud Veteran of the United States Military. While at college, he was a ROTC (Reserve Officers Training Corp)...definition: college students who receive training as military officers for future service in the armed forces.

While a young gal in the sixties (oh, well so much for hiding my age!), I saw my classmates' older brothers coming home in bodybags from Vietnam. I saw others coming home injured and some had great difficulties coping with life after war. And I was so sensitive to their pain because our country was in such turmoil during that war and I never felt it was right that our citizens punished those who served.

And in my first conversation with Tom in these several decades, I learned he served in Bosnia and Iraq. And I will have the privilege of driving up to our college reunion with him soon to catch up and hopefully he will share much about his life that I have lost out on.

Today in the USA it's Memorial Day, when we honor and remember those who lost their lives in service to our country and gave the ultimate sacrifice. Let us remember them and their families who miss them.

Let us also salute all the men and woman who now protect and defend us because we can't, and to their families who have sacrificed much while they are serving and when they come home. I, for one, am an American who is eternally grateful.

These are strong, brave and talented men and woman who put themselves in harms' way so we might live in this country and enjoy all the liberties we have. The liberty to create businesses as we will, the liberty to speak out against our politicians as we will, the liberty to live where we wish, the liberty to spend our money as we wish, the liberty to vote for those we believe it without having the barrel of a gun pointed at us.

All these very special people give us these liberties that other men from other lands have died to partake in. Let us acknowledge their sacrifice and emotional and physical pain. Let us address all their needs when they arrive back home. Let us honor them today and always, as I do, by walking up to them at the airports and elsewhere and simply saying "Thank you for serving for me."

Yes, it's been a long while since September 11th, 2001, but we all know how life changed from that point on. And while we have been blessed not to have experienced another major event on our own soil, our military has kept that at bay.

So I am looking forward to hearing all of Tom's stories when I see him in a few weeks. And I bless him and the members of all our military branches for their devotion to our country, the United States of America, and its fine people.

Death of a Child...Age is Unimportant

2009-05-04T14:00:00.004-04:00

Greetings!

As I read some of the recent posts to the Grieving Hearts group, it will always be true that no matter when a family loses a child they feel deep sadness for the inability to have seen that child grow beyond the years of their death.

It doesn't matter whether they were an infant, a teenager, or a 42 year old. It only matters that for their family they won't have the joy of seeing what they would have done with their life, all the experiences they would have had from that point on and the person they would have become later in life.

When an infant dies the entire cycle of life is considered. All the pleasure of raising that child, watching them grow into a fine young man or woman. Seeing them graduate high school and college. Perhaps seeing them marry and birth children of their own.

Yet when it's a 42 or even 52 year old child to an older parent, that parent deals with all the additional years they would have had with their child. They also think of how they counted on their child to take care of them in the latter stages of their life.

Regardless of the number of missing years that a parent no longer has the privilege of experiencing, the pain is still great and the hole in the heart still remains. But over time, as grieving and anquish subside, there is a place where it turns to celebration and gratitude for one's life, however long they happen to be with us.

Exactly What Were They Thinking...

2009-04-28T10:37:00.008-04:00

One of the continual complaints grieving people have is the insensitivity of others to their pain. And yesterday in lower Manhattan we saw a perfect example of this. (Read more here.)

In an attempt by US Government Officials in Washington to get promotional pictures of Air Force One near Lady Liberty, they inadvertently frightened hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers who work in the World Trade Center area.

I guess the first word that comes to mind is stupidity. Then my thoughts lead toward incomprehension as to how a government official would not have considered that this act would bring up significant pain to those still sensitive to what happened in NYC on September 11th.

Would it not have crossed their minds that they should do everything in their power to notify all New York officials and make it public knowledge so there would be no panic. Instead our folks in Washington told the NYPD to keep it confidential. And no one even told NYC Mayor Bloomberg!

Ironically, this is National Crime Victims' Rights Week in the USA. We celebrate and remember the lives of those who have been murdered in our country...those who have been raped, abused, assaulted or harmed through the violence of another person.

The citizens of our country, but particularly the citizens of NYC who lived through 9/11 and the after affects and emotional strain, have that day tucked away in their psyches. It is a tender place and we don't need to assault it in any way.

Perhaps our government officials can please review their need for PR photos at the expense of increased anxiety and emotional turmoil in the lives of thousands of New York and New Jersey residents.

How It All Began

2009-04-14T16:38:00.004-04:00

About a half hour ago my printer spontaneously circled as if to print a document, but none had been requested. Whenever something like this occurs, being so in tune to spiritual happenings, I sat back to wonder what this was about.

After asking out loud for clarity, it occurred to me that on this day thirty-six years ago I lost the first person who ever meant anything to me. The first person who had made such an impact on my life and who, unknowingly, would usher me into this field of study and my profession.

At the tender age of 12, while he was 15, the nephew of my neighbor and I became close friends and he ultimately became the first 'crush' I experienced. And while Paul and I were looked upon as 'forbidden' because of the differences of our age, he was such a wonderful guy and friend who I cared for deeply.

We'd play Iron Butterfly's songs and scream the lyrics across the room, help me babysit little ones, watch him study the guitar and try to master difficult songs, taught me wonderful dance steps and just had lots of fun laughing at his funny jokes. And like teenagers do, we stayed on the phone much too long and wrote silly letters to each other.

As fate would have it, he and his family moved away and we became penpals back then. Both he and I went on to meet other wonderful people, but his life would forever impact mine a few years later.

On this day, April 14, 1974 Paul was hit broadside and killed by a drunk driver at the tender age of 19 while pulling out of his driveway. I knew he died in the late afternoon, but when the printer circled at 4:35pm something made me believe it could have been just then.

So I sat back in my chair and just had this simple conversation with him as if his spirit was surrounding me at this very moment. And even all these years later, I filled up with tears because I can still see him in the coffin and how paralyzed I was sitting on the sofa in the funeral home looking at a person who had meant so much to me and it was not registering as to how he could possibly be dead at 19.

Over the years I have wondered how his family had been and what all became of them. I can only imagine how it affected his parents whom I didn't get to see again.

But this little sign I believe he sent to me today had in its own way comforted me and reminded me that not only has he not forgotten me, but that no matter where we go in life, the people we love and have lost will always shown themselves to us. Their spirits live on.

This lovely, simple confirmation and remembrance today, for me, though bittersweet, reassures me that there is something after this life which we will all reach. And one day we will be greeted by all those who went on before us and when that happens what a heavenly party we'll have!

Can We Possibly Understand Multiple Murders?

2009-03-30T21:21:00.003-04:00

I don't know that anyone will ever be able to explain, at least to my satisfaction, how one individual can deliberately take the lives of several individuals causing such havoc in the lives of so many families.

I remember one of the first instances where this affected my life was when the DeFeo family in Amityville, Long Island were all killed by their brother. From this tragedy came the movie, "The Amityville Horror."

Having been raised on Long Island, two of the children attended my same high school at the time and it stunned our student body. How could one brother decide to kill all his family members? How could it be that our fellow students wouldn't be returning to school. And while I wasn't extremely close to them, I did know them enough to say hello as we walked down the hall and engage in conversation.

After I became active in crime victims' work, I remember another family whose daughter's boyfriend killed her and then killed himself. What that family always struggled with was the inability to have someone take responsibility for her murder. They couldn't complete the process of having justice served.

In multiple murders, as with the Long Island Railroad Massacre that killed so many including Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy's husband, while severely injuring her son, Kevin, there are so many families affected by one person's sole action.

This is not something you easily recover from. As in the case of the nursing home tragedy I am hearing about today in North Carolina, those families expected their loved one's to die through natural means, but instead they have been catapulted into a national media event, as well as the shock of a sudden, violent death.

Whether the cause is fear, anxiety and worry of financial situations, or hate, anger and revenge toward another person, the ramifications of multiple deaths or murder/suicide is so long lasting and so filled with unanswerable questions that it wreaks havoc, lingering in the minds of their families' minds which no one should have to endure.

When a Moment Changes Your Life Forever

2009-02-16T22:20:00.005-05:00

When I reflect on the devastating plane crash near Buffalo, New York that killed 50 people this past Thursday evening, I tend to notice how fragile life can be. We go about our business each day anticipating that we'll wake up with all our family and friends in tact, and go to bed with the same understanding.

We enjoy their company, organize life plans with them, graduate schools and colleges, get married, have babies, raise good children, see them get married and have babies and raise good children all the while believing it will continue this way in perpetuity.

But for some people, like the families who suddenly and so unexpectedly lost their precious loved one in such a horrific tragedy, their 'normal' lives were shattered in one single moment. Just one. A moment that will forever change how they see life, how they adapt to life, how they cope with change and how they will rebuild all they've ever known.

Nothing is more disconcerting that change. We fight it in our everyday life, but we aren't far from it. We fight it on our jobs, we fight it in relationships with family and friends, we fight it within ourselves when we realize something better could become available to us if we'd only allow ourselves to change.

But with changes come fear. Fear that we won't get it right. Fear that it has to come out perfect. Fear that when all is said and done, it won't be the same as before. And you know what...you're right. It won't be the same.

And when tragedy strikes, somehow all that nonsense that came before seems so completely trivial. That was baby stuff compared to this. This is serious. This is sudden. This is shocking. This is real.

So when I meet folks who are so concerned about money and stuff and games they play with other people's emotions, at this point in my life it's almost laughable. When you have lived through such tragedy as I have in the past and the families of this flight will now endure, you instantaneously get an entirely new perspective on life.

Right now for them, absolutely nothing else matters. The only thing they are now consumed with is dealing with the shock and disbelief that this is happening to them. That the person who they loved so much is no longer here. That they won't get to call them to share good news anymore. That they won't get to share in all their future accomplishments. That they won't be able to hug and physically love them any longer.

So let us be especially mindful that life is incredibly short. In a blink our lives could change forever. Let us be kind toward others. Let us be loving. For one day, it will be our turn to endure a painful loss.

The Courage Behind SuperBowl 2009

2009-02-05T23:58:00.007-05:00

Although I was so happy the Pittsburgh Steelers pulled it out at the very end of what turned out to be one of the best superbowls I've seen in a while, I couldn't help but feel so much pride for the crew who saved 155 lives in the Hudson River last month or feel so much compassion for Jennifer Hudson's courage that day.

On a very busy day in January, working from home, I found myself with binoculars in hand watching an airliner floating in the Hudson River. Having a ring-side seat to such an event is something you don't easily forget. Add to that a friend was traveling to Miami that day and as I didn't have his flight number, naturally I felt a little panicked, until that blessed text came in that he was safe and actually scheduled to be on a private jet instead.

I remember when members of the media were interviewing the survivors who would speak with them, each was asked how they felt they had made it out safely and every single one of them thanked or acknowledged that it was God who pulled them through. Every one.

It will never cease to amaze me how we always seem to acknowledge and call on Him when we're in a frightening place, but rarely have time for him otherwise. Someone once asked me why I thought we tend to call out to Him in crisis, and I told them I felt it was because inherently we know where we came from, and whose we belong to.

So when the crew was acknowledged at the SuperBowl I was quite pleased. Because we don't have many 'real' heroes amongst us any longer, it was wonderful that they were praised for their heroism, especially the captain whose skill and calmness of mind delivered all those men and women back safely into the arms of those whom they love.

And as for Jennifer Hudson...what can I possible say except that I welled up with tears as I stood at attention while she sang. I remember very clearly after my stepdaughter was murdered what was going on inside just a few months afterwards. It was a chaotic time, a time of numbness and confusion and trying to keep it all together. It was a very surreal time and you are unsure of your footing, just trying to function and moving one step in front of the other.

Her great faith will undoubtedly help her during this most difficult time in her life. To lose three family members at once is hard enough...to lose them all to murder in an entirely different thing.

Her performance was flawless and her composure amazing. I held my breath for her. And I pray that she will feel all that love that surrounded her that day when the bubble that's cushioning her starts to ease.

Must Suicide Be the Last Resort?

2009-01-27T12:26:00.004-05:00

Within a matter of days recently, we saw three major players in the world of finance take their own lives and I fear, regardless of the “Madoff” effect, it may get far worse as the year progresses.

German Billionaire Adolf Merckle at age 74, Steven L. Good, Chairman and CEO of Sheldon Good & Co., a leading U.S. real estate auction company at age 52 in Chicago, and Rene-Thierry de La Villehuchet, co-founder and CEO of Access International Advisors at age 65 in New York, were all extremely successful men who employed countless people who, consequently, were able to raise families throughout the world.

By their singular, quite selfish, acts, they have left immediate families to continually wonder how they were at fault and how they will survive the loss of these husbands, fathers, grandfathers, brothers and sons. It has left business colleagues to pick up the messy pieces they’ve left behind. It has left spouses to raise children alone. It has left siblings to provide emotional and, perhaps, financial care for nieces and nephews.

It has also left thousands of employees in shock at the thought that the person they considered their leader wasn’t willing to stick out the rough times just as they are expected to.

So how does a person get to the place where suicide feels like the only option? How does one get to that ultimate dark place of deciding to take one’s own life?

A place of feeling that no one can fix this, not even themselves. A place when they feel there is no one they can confide in. A place when they cannot see where this would all lead. A place where they no longer have control. A place where they cannot weather the anger, shame, animosity and ridicule. A place where there are no possibilities.

If you’re reading these words and finding yourself within this text, please do not despair. Life runs in cycles and no one is perfect. No one is expected to be perfect; no one is expected to have all the answers. No one does. No one can.

If you’re thinking that life will never be the same given your current circumstances, perhaps you’re right. What makes a man or woman successful has less to do with successes than the failures they rose up from to be successful. Self development folks tell us 10 percent is the problem and 90 percent is how you perceive it.

Sure it might take rebuilding companies and rebuilding self-esteem and rebuilding a new life in a somewhat paired-down version. It might take selling off ‘stuff’ and downgrading the house and the cars and revisiting whether it’s really necessary to go on those extravagant vacations this year.

It might take a completely different career change, or a watered-down version of what you are now doing. The kids might not like the changes. So what.

So your credit won’t be perfect (whose will be anyway?) and your resume won’t be perfect and you won’t go to the same clubs for a while and so what. And you might not get to hang out with the same friends because they’re more pretentious than you. And you won’t fly on the private jets or take the corporate cars whenever you want. And you won’t get all the fancy spa treatments or go to exclusive luncheons that cost hundreds of dollars for two. So what.

Everything you think you lost is possible again in the future. But a life is something that cannot be replaced.

The real issue that needs adjustment is much more difficult than any of the things. And that’s …how you see this. Your attitude. And the changes are completely do-able. Promise.

Actually…it’s all do-able. Really. It’s not that you can’t reassess what needs to be done. You’ve been flipping it around in your head for months, haven’t you? Maybe you even started the implementation.

The real issues are these - your pride and lack of humility that’s getting in the way. Oops…sorry. Reality checks stink.

If you’re going to weather this storm, you’ll need to start from the basics.

Take a few moments today for yourself. Buy a journal from the bookstore, so you can add to it wherever you are. On the top of a left-hand page, write the words Ages 10-14, then flip two or three pages and on the next top left-hand page write Ages 15-19, and keep it going for each five year interval you’ve been alive. You can add the years (ie. 1963-1967) if it helps.

What you’re creating is a gratitude journal. Sounds stupid? Hey, stop judging.

Now, each day when you rise start adding to it. During the day take a cup of coffee and instead of wasting time with the other people in the office who are crying doom and gloom, go back to your desk, turn your chair away from the computer and take a few minutes to add to the journal.

Before you go to sleep, take it to a quiet place in the house and add to it. This is your reflective time and it will ultimately help you see that you are more blessed than you think.

During your earlier years, include all the things you accomplished and experiences that brought you great joy. How you taught your younger cousin to ride his bike. How you raised money for children when you were 15. How you worked part-time jobs to get yourself through college. Those things. Those are the experiences which made you who you are.

You have had a great ride. You got to buy and own many things. Women bought clothes and jewelry and purses and shoes which fill their closets; some of which have never been worn. Men got to load up on the latest gadgets, toys and vehicles so they could compete with the other guys. Very nice. Go trade them with your friends and you’ll instantly have new stuff.

But now it’s a new time for you. It’s time to be humble and compassionate and get back to what really matters in life. It’s time to speak nicely to each other. It’s time to be kind again.

And if you think you have nothing to be grateful for when you begin today’s pages, start writing from a new perspective. Choose things like “I’m grateful I have a good woman to go through this hard time with.” “I’m grateful that my family is healthy.” “I’m thankful for friends who love me for me and not what I do.” “I’m grateful that I have some money left over to help others less fortunate than myself.” “I’m grateful I woke up in a warm bed today.” “I’m thankful for my country’s stability.”

Recognizing even the smallest of gifts will lift your spirits and help you start to restore your hope and get your fight back. When you fall into despair, you lose that hope. By taking the time to see there is so much good around you, so much to be thankful for, you will learn how to see it and appreciate it again. By adding to your journal every day, you will move forward with a renewed spirit open to new possibilities to help yourself and others, professionally and personally, push ahead to brighter times.

Because not only are those who love you counting on you, but we really don’t need any more young people grieving the deaths of selfish men.

Jett Travolta - Death of a Young Son and Brother

2009-01-06T17:46:00.010-05:00

No one will ever convince me there is a magical formula for healing from the death of a child.

Regardless of whether it was anticipated or not, there is a struggle to understand it. Parents don't expect to outlive their children. It's just the way it is.

When someone so full of life is taken from his family at the tender age of 16, we wonder how something like this could happen. How could such an accident occur; how could he die so young.

One of the most difficult challenges about children dying is there are few answers. It just doesn't make any sense. We can't get our heads wrapped around the tragedy regardless how it occurred.

I chose this particular photo of Jett because I just loved his tender expression. From the little I have learned from the news reports, it is clear his parents John and Kelly, and his sister, Ella, loved him dearly and completely.

Everyone should know that level of love in their lives. Everyone should be part of such a dynamic family who, even with their celebrity, seemed to really understand and know that family was the priority.

I send my condolences to the Travolta and Preston family today and also hugs to Jett's sister, Ella, whom I'm sure misses her big brother very much.

May your family be comforted by the many families worldwide who send their love and concern.

And may you know in your hearts, which is obvious for all to see, that Jett moves on now knowing he was deeply, amazingly and demonstratively loved by you in a way that few of us will ever experience.

Blessings...

This Wonderful Christmas Day 2008

2008-12-25T18:10:00.009-05:00

So here I am in Florida visiting with parents, family and friends in from all around the United States. It's a wonderful time for my family.

The decorations in this magical house are courtesy of my sister-in-law, Katie who makes her home so inviting. Little white lights, red ribbons, and ornaments everywhere.

Even the little doggies have tuxedos on today and they bring us all such great joy.

Pictures are snapping everywhere and food, some which has been prepared for days, has been beautifully displayed and will soon be enjoyed. The grill is on and the last minute foods are being cooked now.

I look around the living room and there are numerous conversations going on...the young 2o year old crowd conversing on what their IPOD's contain, the Moms trading experiencings and laughter surrounding their child raising escapades, young love blossoming in the family for my college-aged niece and her boyfriend.

All the youngest of the family are doting on my two-year old nephew in from California and whom I've had the pleasure of being around for only the third time. It's amazing what distance does to family relationships. But today, I'm especially grateful to be playing around with and witnessing this young one, Elijah, opening his Christmas gifts this morning. It's an experience I haven't had since his older brother, Brandon was a babe.

As one of my brothers will be moving to Hawaii next month, I find myself especially aware that it may be a few years again until I'll have the experience of enjoying all of us being in the same town to spend Christmas together.

But today as I watch everyone enjoying themselves in mini-conversations all around my brother's home, I am reminded that joy comes from surrounding ourselves with people whom we love and who love us.

In my line of work, someone precious to us can be gone in a moment. So I guess I'm even that much more appreciative and some would say 'sensitive' to the recognition that life can change literally in a heartbeat.

No one knows what tomorrow may bring. Or if we'll even have another experience like I'm enjoying right this moment, as my eldest niece Ashleigh cozies up next to me. She and her sisters mean the world to me. They will always bring such joy to my life.

Let us always be grateful for the precious lives that touch us everyday. With all the turmoil in our world today...the economy, the prices, the wars, the fighting about the right laws of our land, the credit crunch...let us always remember the great gift anyone can give to each other is the time and experiences we share with those we love.

Time is the greatest gift we can give. All the things in our lives can be replaced. They can be found again. But the hugs and love and comfort and experiences with family...this exact special moment in time...can never, ever be captured again.

May you always treasure these moments.

Blessings to all of you on this Christmas Day!

Adam Walsh - A Closed Case

2008-12-17T14:47:00.004-05:00

It has taken 27 years, 4 months and 20 days for John and Reve Walsh, their family, friends and the committed law enforcement officials to say those words. It has taken 10,005 days!

Think about that for one moment...10,005 days.

Little Adam graced his family's lives for only 6 years, 8 months and 14 days or 2,447 days before he was brutally murdered by Ottis Toole in Florida back on July 27, 1981.

Doing a bit of math, that says that it literally took three times more days to solve this crime than this precious little one lived on this earth.

When you've lived with an unsolved murder, as my former husband, his family and I had for 18 years, you understand this. You understand and learn too quickly that there is only a 61% chance that your loved one's homicide will be solved in this nation. (See this article and blog.)

Any teacher will tell you that's a failing grade.

But today we celebrate Adam's young life and all the good that came from his death. It was his parents' focus and decision that they would make something good happen from this tragedy which ultimately helped thousands of other families from waiting 27 years for definitive answers. I applaud them.

Meanwhile, to hear my comments on this case and the bittersweet ending, please visit my website. If you'd like to learn more about the history of this case, click here. If you're dealing with the murder of a loved one, you'll also find help at my website.

More soon...

Shopping and Grieving During the Holidays

2008-12-13T16:58:00.005-05:00

One of the most stressful parts of the Christmas, Hanukkah and the holiday season is shopping for gifts but when you've experienced a loved one's death, it seems almost unbearable.

Family and friends are still expecting their gifts and it is difficult, especially for little ones, to comprehend that somehow you decided to sit out this season. So let's look at a few shortcuts to keep this task managable.

Online sites are by far the most efficient use of your time, your energy and your sanity. You sit, do some surfing, find what you want and presto, it shows up at your door. What a blessing the internet is for grieving-stricken folks. More sites are offering online deals than before and if you order from one site, chances are your shipping will be limited or perhaps zero.

Catalogues...same premise. Flip, choose, order by phone or on the web.

If you need to go to the mall, be prepared for the holiday music, the crowds, the lines, the hectic pace and of course, the people. Let's take one at a time...

The holiday music can flip you back to a time when the person you loved who has died was shopping with you and perhaps you were singing that song together. Maybe you sang it in the car with the children. Either way that memory can pop up and you well up with tears or feel tightening in the chest.

Crowds...you'll have less tolerance for nonsense now. Expect it. Crowds don't seem to fit in the picture. You're just trying to keep your emotional balance and don't need the pushing and shoving and diving into piles of clothing for the best bargain...get the picture.

The lines...you don't have as much patience as you normally would so long lines trying to get to a cash register is really the job of a good friend who goes to the mall with you.

The hectic pace...same issue with the crowds. This year your tolerance is low and rushing around trying to get everything done when you're energy level will be low to begin with, can be a difficult task.

People...this might sound like a funny one, but think about this. You've lost your husband, sometime since last Christmas, and here you are walking in the mall, you sit to have coffee. As you begin the people watch, since you're staring into space, you glance over to see a couple about your age who is embracing. Ouch.

Or you lost a child this year, you're walking through one of the major department stores and unaware you walk right past the little girls' section. It occurs to you that you won't need to buy anything in that department this year. Double ouch.

Now that you know some of the 'hazards' you can be prepared. It's more about being aware of what can occur, so you won't put yourself into a position where you'll be surprised. Just a little thoughtful planning will help make shopping this season more bearable.

Take the time to listen to your heart and obey what it's telling you. If you can't do any of this, have a friend or family member help. If you need to limit gift giving, that ok too. Just communicate it all beforehand to your loved ones. You're gonna make it through!! Promise.

After the Family Meeting

2008-12-09T23:18:00.004-05:00

So you've gathered everyone together and you've courageously listened to all the viewpoints about whether to 'Christmas or Not to Christmas'.

You got more than you bargained for...some want the whole works, some want a condensed version, some want nothing at all. Now what?

It'll be somewhere in the middle.

Those who want it all, will understand it's just too overwhelming for you. Those that want nothing will need to honor that the person who died would want you to still live your life. And those who wanted something less than was ideal, are the compromisers of the bunch and thank God for them.

Now consider the list:

Tree
Decorations
Baking
Cooking
Shopping for gifts/food
Entertaining
Invitations/Events in the community
Cleaning/Painting
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day Dinner

Take this list, and add to it if need be, and separate into four columns.

First column is the task (above), second column is how you usually handle this task, third column (most important) is 'How could I do this differently' and fourth column is 'Who can I get to help me with this?'

Now that you have a sense of what everyone in the household wants, develop the answers to these questions on paper, let it sit a bit, then revise again. It's a very interesting exercise which will soon show just how much time and energy we normally put into our traditions. It may be the cause of unnecessary stress at this point in our grieving process, so please take that into account.

Once you see it on paper, it can be much easier to reevaluate with family just what is 'do-able' this year.

To Christmas or Not to Christmas - That is the Question

2008-12-08T12:57:00.003-05:00

Last evening as I was decorating and generally clearing away too many papers (perils of a writer), on the television came a 2002 Hallmark Channel movie entitled "A Christmas Visitor".

It featured a couple whose son had been killed in the Gulf War and had received notification from the US Army on Christmas Eve. Consequently, over the last twelve years, it seems this family had decided to forgo any Christmas celebrations.

In the movie, the only surviving sibling, this young man's sister, was dealing with surgery to remove a lump in her breast. At the time of her brother's death it seemed she couldn't have been more than 10 years old.

In a tender moment, she revealed to her Mother how she always felt unloved growing up because their family, unlike her friends' families, never celebrated Christmas after her brother John's death. She believed that by not putting up a tree, decorating the house, etc. that her parents were indirectly telling her that they loved her brother more than her.

Even the mother in the movie embraced the daughter and suddenly realized how selfish she had been in her own overwhelming grief that she hadn't taken into account how it would affect her daughter or husband.

When we have lost a significant person in our lives, especially a child or a spouse, our tendency as adults is to concentrate so much on our own grief and to dismiss the needs of the surviving children and family members.

If you are in this position now and you are struggling with whether to completely forego all the festivities of this season, please think twice. It's very easy to just crawl under the covers and just want to disappear, but there may be others in your life who count on you to love them and nuture them and make life as 'normal' as it has been in the past.

No one can say this will be easy for you. It's not. Actually, it's probably one of the most selfless things you will ever do, especially if this is the first Christmas, Hanukkah or holiday season you are living through without that special someone.

But remember this, please...how you show love to those who are living, will go a long way to how your family survives this tragedy. Your surviving children, and perhaps your spouse, are screaming inside, "but I'm still alive...notice me...love me...look at me...pay attention to me...hold me...cuddle me...say nice things to me...give gifts to me..."

If you are either unsure or have already decided to not do Christmas, please reconsider. You don't need to do all that you have in the past, but the very best start is to have a family meeting and let everyone express their feelings.

Once you have a clear understanding of what everyone feels, you'll be able to rethink a more moderate strategy for what you can do and what you just can't do. At least everyone will have a better sense of why you feel the way you do and they won't feel so left out of the thinking process.

Christmas or Hanukkah might look a little different this year but it can still be celebrated.

Next post will look at alternative ways to do that...

Gratefulness - How May We Count the Ways

2008-11-27T23:51:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving, 2008 in the USA is a day when we count our blessings. It is a day of recognition for all we have and all we've experienced during the past year. It is a day of being exceedingly grateful for all the wonderful family members and friends who still grace our lives and who bring meaning into each day.

In the hectic pace of commerce, the child rearing, the hobbies and sports, and all the tasks of living, we frequently remember to simply say thank you.

Thank you to our lover, partner, spouse and friend for all they give us in life. All the tenderness, compassion, care and concern. The little things that mean so much like when you're ill and they're there for you. Or when you just need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to hear the entire story just so you can get past it.

Thank you to your other family members and friends who always seem to know when you really need a friend and they either appear or call just when necessary.

Thank you to your little ones who make life so special. They always seem to keep us laughing.

The reason we take time to celebrate and recognize and thank all those whom we love, is because they will ultimately come a time when they aren't around to thank. And a life without regrets is simply the best way to live.

With gratefulness on this special day for all those I love and who love me...

MaryMac

On This Day: Honoring Veterans and Their Survivors

2008-11-11T23:40:00.010-05:00

On this noteworthy occasion of Veterans Day in the US and Remembrance Day in Canada, I wish to acknowledge all the sacrifice of all those who have served in the military so that citizens, like myself, would have the ability to be free and safe.

How often we take for granted our security in this country. How often we forget to acknowledge that these amazing men and women have voluntarily, yes voluntarily, chose to go off to foreign lands and sometimes put themselves in harms way so that you and I could do what we do each and every day.

They give us the ability to have the freedom to choose how we wish to live our lives. Think about that for a moment. We get to choose what we do, how we speak about our government and it's elected leaders, whether we act respectful or not, where we choose to live, how we wish to spend our money, etc.

Their sacrifice makes all that possible.

Yet there are some of these brave men and women who we will not be able to honor face to face any longer, as they have given the ultimate sacrifice. Instead we thank their widows and widowers, their bereaved parents and children. Theirs is a much different, yet difficult road. They grow up without their loved one near them to love and nuture them, comfort and console them.

One book which supports families after a military death is "Military Widow: A Survival Guide" written by two outstanding ladies, both grief and bereavement specialist, Joanne Steen and Regina Asaro.

I'm am so grateful for this book as it's a long time coming. It was needed to be written as there is nothing else like it out there. It is so specific and gives practical and compassionate advice, laced with true-life stories of military families and their challenges after a loved one's death.

If you are grieving a military death, I highly recommend your purchasing this book. Click here for details.

Meanwhile, always remember our military's sacrifice for without them we would not know the freedoms we enjoy today.

Blessings to all.

Tunnel To Towers Run - Firefighter Stephen Siller

2008-09-28T09:57:00.008-04:00

Regardless of the dreary, rainy day in NYC today, the spirits are extremely high as nearly 15,000 dedicated folks run from Brooklyn through the Battery Tunnel to the site of the World Trade Center in lower Manhattan.

It was there that Firefighter Stephen Siller, dedicated husband and father to five young children ranging from 10 years to 9 months, was killed on September 11th, 2001. To assist in the effort, he ran through the Battery Tunnel back into Manhattan with all his gear on.

To honor his memory and that of his fellow 342 New York City Firefighters killed that day in service to their fellow citizens, this race is held to raise funds for a Foundation in his name, started by his wife Sally and his family.

Nothing touches my soul more than other individuals who understand the great need to assist young children after the death of their parents or siblings. There are many organizations which only help 9/11 families but this organization helps children whose parents have died in any manner.

The Stephen Siller Tunnel to Towers Run (http://www.tunneltotowersrun.org/) raises funds to provide counseling and financial assistance to children under the age of 10, whose parents have died.

I admire and praise their efforts as folks who believe as I do that little ones grieve just like adults do, and we must care for them early, when they need us.

If you enjoy runs, I encourage your participation next year as they do wonderful work for young people.

And to the thousands of brave members of the FDNY, including my wonderful cousin Lt. Sal (Peter) Pastore in Inwood, please accept our sincere appreciation for everything you do to keep us safe everyday.

9/11 - 7 Years Later

2008-09-11T09:31:00.005-04:00

I don't think I'll ever stop yearning for the images of the Twin Towers whenever I admire the majesty of the New York City skyline. This week the beams of white light rise from the ground through the sky to once again remind us exactly where those towers stood. From the first time I saw those beams, several years ago, then in purple, the images and placement in the New York City skyline are forever etched in my mind, never to forget how they graced the sky.

In Shanksville, Pennsylvania the heroism of the passengers of United Flight 93 thwarted the plan to destroy either the White House or Capitol Building. Such love for our country, to come to the decision that they would rise up and do what was right for our land disregarding their own lives. To know that you might die and still, in a just a few minutes, decide these enemies of our country needed to be stopped, was the ultimate act of heroism.

In Washington, at our Pentagon, 125 people died within that building along with 59 passengers of American Flight 77. A wonderful new memorial is now available remembering those who died in Washington. I so look forward to visiting it.

A total of 2,751 families lost their loved ones that day. Studies show when a single individual dies there can be upward of 300 family, friends, business colleagues, classmates, social circles, neighbors and others who are affected by their deaths. On September 11th, 2001, all Americans and citizens of the world became their family members, too.

Our country was forever changed that day. Through unspeakable tragedy, we became closer and kinder as a people toward one another and we became more resolute in securing our land. Let us always remember that we have passed seven September 11ths on our calendar, but we have not experienced another 9/11.

Let us give credit to our President, George W. Bush and leaders who changed the structure of government at many levels to insure we have not repeated this devastating day. Regardless of your politics, we have been kept safe since 2001. Our government's main mission is the security of its people. And they have succeeded and for that we are eternally grateful.

God bless all who have been affected and have suffered as a result of the attacks on our great nation and for all who, in their own way both large and small, from the first responders at all three sites, to the military who fight for our liberty, to the counselors who help the emotional pain, may we always honor their work.

No matter what our America has endured, no one, and nothing will ever kill our spirit!

Tony Snow - A Good and Faithful Servant

2008-07-17T17:55:00.006-04:00

I can't remember the first time I saw Tony Snow on television. But I know it's been very many memorable years ago.

What struck me most about this fine man, was his optimism about life. Whether I saw him on Fox News Channel, or listened in to his own radio show or Rush Limbaugh's, I knew it would be a thoroughly captivating and educational time. I knew the time I spent with him would leave me feeling there were options out there I may not have considered. Options that would uplift our America instead of trash it. Options that were feasible.

And when he moved into the White House as Press Secretary, how happy I was to know I'd get to hear from him almost every day.

His husky yet soothing voice was unmistakable. And I would often be thrilled by the manner in which he would deliver his thoughts. As an author, I admire how others string sentences together and he did it so elegantly.

When a man dies, you usually get to know his character by the tributes of his family, friends and colleagues. Everyone was in awe of the manner in which he lived his life before and after he learned of his cancer challenges.

It's said it's not how we lived, but moreso how we died. From the accounts of all his colleagues, Tony worked through his illness with class and grace. He was a wonderful example of keeping his hopes high that he would beat his colon cancer.

My thoughts these last few days have been with his family, of course, but also his colleagues. It's an interesting dynamic which takes place when it's a dear friend who dies.

In Tony's case, he's in the media spotlight. Most of us will honor our friend and then go back to work immediately. But their loss and presence will be felt when we see their office empty, when they aren't around to reach out to when you have a thought or are working on a project you know their advice would be valuable.

So I want to acknowledge and validate the pain of a friend's grief. It's real and sometimes it's more real than grieving for a distant relative or other relative with whom we barely had a relationship. But a friend, and especially a business colleague...well, we'd see them or speak with them continually in the process of fulfilling our work. The vacuum left by their empty office, voice, writing, strategy, humor, talents will be felt for a very long time.

And when we lose a man like Tony, the level of that pain and loss, felt at FOX and on the radio and in the White House is significant.

When I think about the people I'd like to have the honor of meeting in my lifetime, Mr. Tony Snow was right up there on the list. I feel sad I'll not get that pleasure now.

Lord, Can We Please Replay This Tape

2008-06-15T13:22:00.008-04:00

Remembering Tim Russert 1950 - 2008

My love of politics began at the assasination of President Kennedy when I found myself looking up at all the crying adults in my elevator wondering what would bring so many grown-ups to tears.

I woke up in the middle of the night when Senator Bobby Kennedy was killed to find my Dad on the edge of his living room chair staring at the television and there I was sitting next to him. The pain on his face was intriguing to me and I wanted to share that with him.

It caused me to walk into New York City Mayor John Lindsay's storefront campaign office at the age of 11 with my best friend who sat behind me in class, Ellen McHugh, to ask if we could help. They put us to work hanging posters on street lamps and we were so proud to be a part of that campaign.

The summer I was 16, I worked for the Mayor of my Village on Long Island and had a blast. I'll never forget those funky colored outfits he'd wear to go golf on Wednesdays.

As I went onto college, I ran and was elected to floor rep and dorm president and was active in school government. I loved it. And later I helped run Perot's NYC campaign and became Head of the Petition Drive to get him on the ballot in NY State. Eventually I ran the campaign in Queens and Staten Island.

But the most memorable was as a Precinct Captain and member of the Executive Committee in Florida during the 2000 election. What a wild ride to live that there.

Although I had many wonderful experiences during that election cycle, what stands out in my mind so vividly was the reporting and white board of Tim Russert that year. I was amazed at how he knew all the electoral votes within each state and I found myself working the numbers with him. It was heaven for me. It was thrilling and challenging and so amazing that it kept you hanging on for all the latest projections from Tim.

On Friday when I went online to see my email and there the headline said he had suddenly died, I was shocked as was most Americans who follow politics. I just stared at the computer screen and slumped in my seat.

I told a friend who said, "Tim Russert? Meet the Press Tim Russert?" To which I replied, "Yes, THE Tim Russert." And everything within me just simply could not believe this.

I spent the majority of my weekend watching all the tributes on MSNBC Friday night and Saturday night and then today I taped Meet the Press. How could I not.

I guess because my love of politics coupled with my passion to help the bereaved, makes me somewhat more sensitive to these kinds of things.

I looked at the Lord's picture which hangs in my home and said, "Exactly what were you thinking? Can't we rewind this tape?"

From my perspective, and others are saying this as well, it was absolutely, postively NOT the right time for him to leave us. His work was not done here, in my eyes. He had so much more to tell us and educate us on the political process. And he had so much more to give humanity and his family and friends who deeply loved him.

So I ask you Lord, "Can't we please rewind this tape? Can't we at least finish out this incredible election cycle because nothing would have been more thrilling than to see him play with that white board scribbling down possibilities as we come close to election day?"

Yet from a bereavement perspective, I'm aware that death is never fair. It doesn't come in the time factor we'd request. Because there really never would be a good time for someone so great to die, would there be. When exactly would the right time be.

If it were after the election, then we might enjoy his play-by-play, but his family wouldn't see him and his beloved wife watch Luke marry.

If it were after the marriage, perhaps his family and friends wouldn't see him as a grandfather sharing the joys of grandparenting.

But it turned out, God called him now...bad timing for us, but obviously the right timing for the Lord. That's the sucky part. We don't get to be in on the decision. And quite frankly, it never seems like good timing anyway you look at it.

So since the Lord can't rewind the tape I wish he would, I must be content to wish his family and friends comfort in knowing that there were many of us, who never had the privilege of knowing this gentle giant, but saw through the television that he was indeed so genuine, so pure of heart, so committed to those around him, so funny, so real, so enthusiastic about what he did in life and from my perspective, he gave us a legacy of love that will never leave any of us.

Someone like Tim Russert lived his life to the fullest. I often say I want to live till I die. And it's rare I find others who share that passion. Tim had that. He was a rare and treasured man to his family and friends and I, for one, will miss his smiling face and exuberant energy and laughter.

His passion to engage and educate Americans in the political process was simply divine.

So now God gets to have the firsthand play by play this election cycle, while He's greeting Tim and saying, "Well done my good and faithful servant."

The Ultimate Sacrifice

2008-06-08T12:54:00.012-04:00

It's a very hot and sunny day today and while I expected to be at the pool by this time, I found myself working on the computer much longer than anticipated.

In the background I had C-Span on listening to the ungratefulness of the Iraqi Ministers testify in front of the Congressional Foreign Affairs, Int'l Organizations, Human Rights, and Oversight Committee.

When it was over, it replayed the Monday service at the White House where President Bush presented the Medal of Honor to the parents of Private First Class Ross McGinnis of Knox, Pennsylvania, whose brave service in Iraq saved the lives of four fellow servicemen when he put his body in the way of a grenade on December 2, 2006.

I found myself moving away from the computer and standing at attention in front of the television. I found myself moved to tears. As President Bush recounted how this young man wanted nothing more in life than to be a soldier, from the time he drew his picture at age 6, to the comedian he became, even being able to make his drill sergeant laugh, to always being there for his friends and family.

Although I may never meet any of the McGinnis family or other servicemen and women who were killed, I feel blessed to know there are people who call themselves United States military who protect me all over this world.

It's easy to measure deaths and destruction, but our inability to measure what has not happened is what we should also concentrate on. We have not had a major attack on our soil since September 11th, 2001. Our President and his administration needs to get credit for that.

We cannot measure how many people may have died in our country had we had other attacks. We cannot measure how many cities might have been destroyed, how many avenues of transportation may have been suddenly halted (remember how there were no planes for nearly a week after 9/11), how many neighbors would have been displaced or homeless, or how much destruction we would have needed to clean up, repair and rebuild.

If we leave Iraq tomorrow, as many citizens and elected officials prefer, would we still be able to gain the intelligence needed to stop attacks? Unsure.

Sometimes we feel we need to just worry about our own people...bring all the troops home from everywhere on this planet, isolate ourselves, close our borders, move the United Nations to some island where they can foot the bill to house them, exclude everyone who doesn't belong here and let them all handle their own lives. Let all the folks who hate our country leave and leave now. Let all these ungrateful ministers and heads of other states fend for themselves. After all, they hate us but, of course, they'll take our money and curse us as they ask for more.

I don't know the perfect answer and maybe there isn't one. But today, I want us to remember a valiant man who gave his life for the lives of others - Private First Class Ross McGinnis.

The scriptures tell us, "no greater love than this, than a man who lays down his life for another." The ultimate sacrifice.

And I don't know too many people who can ever say they'd do that.

To Always Remember Their Sacrifice

2008-05-26T00:21:00.009-04:00

Memorial Day, 2008

In America, today we honor the men and women who have given the ultimate sacrifice by fighting in battles all around this globe, to keep our citizens free. Sometimes we forget that ours is an all volunteer military. We have no draft. We train these brave ones to kill the enemy so you and I can know that our existence in the United States is a safe one.

Yet, it is important to not only remember those killed, but the first-hand and second-hand survivors who are grieving as a result of those deaths.

If you consider any one person's passing will have upward of 300 people who loved and cherished them, it is a staggering number of people who remember them today.Just think of their family members, friends, neighbors, the military, classmates, teammates, business colleagues, people they knew from church, synagogue, social circles, clubs, etc. And what about their parents' and siblings' friends who knew them. They are also affected.

So there is much I want to say here...

First, I'd like to address the grief of the spouse, parents, siblings, grandparents, children, other family members, friends and loved ones of a man or woman killed in the line of duty. Your loved one gave the ultimate sacrifice and every American citizen owes you a sincere thank you for enduring the pain you feel now, for the good of our citizens’ safety.

Secondly, are the needs of military families. Their spouses have been raising children on their own, with little support both financially or personally, and doing a great job at it as well. They struggle to make ends meet and it is beyond me how our Congress cannot make it easier on these active duty families.

They are going into credit card debt, as many citizens, just to survive. But they shouldn't have to. Banks are foreclosing on homes, ruining credit ratings because credit cards haven’t been paid in a timely fashion. When you expect to be deployed for one tour, which turns into two and three tours, it sort of turns your life upside down.

It’s hard to worry about paying a credit card bill when your main mission today is staying alive and keeping those around you alive, all while in a foreign land. Do the people at these banks get it? Obviously not.

My solution…their debts should become frozen once they are deployed, not to gain a cent of interest or penalty nor become due again until six months after they’re home.

Exactly when will some Congressman or woman step up to the plate and make this right… Senator McCain - how about you?

And if this family experiences the death of their spouse in the line of duty, now they lose their homes, support systems, and more. They must leave the military bases and return to wherever they originally came. In the process they and their children lose their home, friends, classmates, neighbors, other military family's support. They lose more than just their loved ones. Additionally, they lose income so it is now doubly hard for the surviving spouse to readjust to raising a family alone.

Next…the first hand survivors are also military; those who knew the soldier directly.

Prolonged deployments overseas only delay the grieving process. Wisdom says we must help these brave men and women achieve mental stability all along the way.

Yes, it is only natural that we repair their physical bodies, but we must treat their mental symptoms as well. Seeing multiple deaths during repeated tours overseas is something that stays with you. It is not easily released.

And when someone returns to the home they once knew, they are changed. And they need time to acclimate themselves to their old lives. One thing is certain - they are different now. They have seen too much and are not the same. How could they be?

This weekend I wish us to remember how difficult it must be to trade in a machine gun, grenade, and HumVee, back to a laptop, blackberry and IPOD. I can’t even imagine how that’s done.

And, lastly, second-hand survivors are the family members of these surviving military buddies who will come home, grieving their fellow soldiers’ deaths in combat, and their immediate family members here in the US are scrambling how best to help them through this grief, not to mention their need to acclimate themselves into society back here once again.

So I find it unconscionable that our elected officials do not make it a higher priority to have premier bereavement services available to the surviving families of the military personnel who have been killed and to every active duty soldier overseas and later, upon their return home, to serve them and their families as well.

Military death touches so many lives and we rarely acknowledge all the people affected. Let’s begin to better understand the domino effect of grief caused by war…and let’s effectively deal with it from the onset.

Melancholy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T12:54:00.006-04:00

Today's a day to pack up the car with favorite foods and baked goods we lovingly prepared and head over to our Mom's house to enjoy the family's company. Maybe she's a little older and now it's our time to welcome everyone to our home.

But there are many who will not have the pleasure of their mother's company this year. Children, teens, young adults, mid-life and even older adults all long for the days when they were held by, kissed by, loved by, consoled by, fed by, taught by, and even sometimes scolded by their Moms.

There are also mothers who will not have the pleasure of their children's company this year because they have pre-deceased them. No mother ever believes she will live longer than her children.

There are still other wonderful women who have almost become Mommies but have lost children through miscarriage and stillbirth.

There are women who strive to become pregnant and haven't yet achieved this goal.

There are also women who chose to release children from their lives through adoption, all in the name of a better life for them, yet they still long for them.

And lastly, there are incredible women, who all their lives believed at some point they'd become mothers and now in their latter years still wonder what it would have been like had their lives' circumstances been different, had life taken a different turn, and they would have been called "Mommy."

All these folks feel a melancholy Mother's Day.

I'd like to celebrate all these families and women today. Each live with a sadness in their soul today, but if we look around, there are many opportunities to fill that sorrow for someone.

If our Mom has died, we can always find another older lady who has no one and adopt her as your own. Bring her to the movies, bake with her, take her for walks. Get her out of the house. Laugh with her, cry with her. She might be as close as our neighbor up the block or down the hall.

If you experienced the death of your own children, you can reach out to a new Mom and help her in special ways with wisdom only you can give her. Especially if her mother has died, she will feel so fortunate for the motherly counsel.

If you've experienced miscarriage or stillbirth, I am here to validate your loss. They will always be your child, always. And for those who are working on becoming pregnant...Reach out to friends who have young ones and get involved in their lives. Being around little ones will help raise you up from the feelings of despair that it will never again happen for you. Envision how it will look when you're bringing your little one to the playground and changing their diapers and watching them laugh as you talk baby talk to them.

Watching "The Secret" will give you hope and help you see possibilities all around you and you need that now.

For my adoptive Mothers...you are truly special. Do you realize how selfless it is to make sure your little one was cared for properly. I can't think of anything more touching. You should feel such peace that you did the right thing, when perhaps the right thing wasn't happening in your own life back then. You put your feelings and concerns aside to insure your little one would have a better life. Feel peace in your soul for that, on this day.

And lastly, for all us ladies who were not blessed with little ones. We are a rather large bunch it seems. We are the ones who dote on the nieces and nephews and others children. We have fun text messaging, emailing, calling, sending photos, and laughing over funny jokes. Sure, it took us years to settle within ourselves that this dream would probably not come true.

We struggled with it for a long time and eventually we figured out another way to celebrate all the maternal passions we had. We volunteer for children's causes, we raise money for them, we become mentors for younger women (as a few precious ladies have for me), and we make sure we're busy making others' lives better.

So on this Mother's Day, I wish you peace above all else. That no matter what stage of life or motherhood, or potential motherhood you may be, that you will find peace within your soul right now. That you may know gratitude for the place you find yourself right now.

Because you deserve this...

How I will miss you, Jen...

2008-05-07T15:03:00.009-04:00

It was a few months back while sitting in my office late one evening opening the mail, that I came across a letter with a familiar last name. It was from the mother of a wonderful woman I had become fast friends with on a flight up to NY a few years ago.

Little did I know that her letter would catch me completely by surprise with news I had never expected to hear.

Jennifer Guberman and I met on a Delta Flight from Orlando back in June 2005 as she pounces two seats from me with the line "it's really crowded back there, do you mind if I sit next to you?" To which I replied, "No, be my guest."

That simple greeting was the beginning of a wonderful friendship which came to a hault much too soon. You see, it was that letter I received that evening, all alone in the office, when I found out that Jennifer had died of a freak accident in her home in Worcester, Massachusetts a few months before.

Now you know many of us have friends all around the world and rarely do we have contact info to their immediately families. When we send emails or trade phone calls on cell phones, all of us being so busy, we realize when the person's life is less crazed, they'll eventually get back to us. Never do we wonder if anything dramatic has happened.

And usually, if it has, they will drop you a short note and tell you what's going on and you take it from there.

But this letter was so totally unexpected because I had been wondering why Jen hadn't called me around the holidays, or responded to my half dozen emails. It wasn't like her.

So here comes this letter from her Mom, which I must say, I am so grateful for otherwise I would have gone on wondering what had happened.

It turned out Jen died suddenly in her home several months before and I never knew it. And, really, how could I possible have known. Her parents had finally gotten her mail forwarded to them and there they found my Christmas card and gift to her. And thus, her Mom responded.

You know, you really are never ready to hear someone has died. You just aren't. I don't care if you knew them less than 3 years or your entire life. You don't wake up in the morning expecting to hear that kind of news.

So here I was in the office, all alone, and just burst out in tears. Yes, I'm a sensitive soul, otherwise I couldn't do what I do. But this one was a shocker. I sat back, trying to wipe away the tears which were not subsiding and I just couldn't comprehend this could be true.

I don't think I believe it yet anyway. It's just beyond me, first how all those months could have gone by and Jen and I to have not spoken either by phone or in print. And also, that I didn't know when it happened, couldn't have known, and her family couldn't have done anything more than they did to alert a whole host of personal acquaintances which moved somewhere between best of friends to business colleagues.

Jen and I worked together toward building the Foundation for Grieving Children. She listen to me tell my story on that plane that night and she encouraged me all the way. She offered her assistance in many ways and delivered on everything she promised.

When we were updating our database of services for grieving children, she took the ball and ran with it. She even got others involved (her friends Anna and Josh) and months and months later, the project was all typed in excel, ready for the next step.

When I didn't know how to research a project in the most expeditious way, I could always call on Jen, my resident librarian and PR person and she'd always give me great advice.

But mostly, you need to know that she was one of the most generous people I've ever know. She was there for me in the beginning when I was rebuilding my life after my divorce. She believed in my dreams and visions. She used her money many times to get supplies and her time to make it all come together.

I'll always remember how she asked how I was getting into Manhattan from JFK Airport the night we landed at nearly midnight. She decided I was coming along with her as the carservice was waiting, and after having dropped her off first near Lexington and 88th where she lived, she said to the driver "take her wherever she needs to go." She made me feel like a queen.

About a month later we spent Fourth of July together on the East River Promenade watching the Macy's Fireworks. It was so much fun. Or the time I met her at the doctor's office to get her home safely after a procedure. Or, when she was moving to Florida and I helped her clean out the apartment as her beloved dog, Rooster, would run around and jump on the bags. He was so funny and how she loved him.

Or when she came back to visit for business and stayed with me at my home. We had such fun. Or when I just needed an 'ear' and Jen was always there to tell me it would all come together.

There are people who are planted in our lives for only a short season. Jen was that angel for me. She and I had a very short time together here, but we spoke of God and His works on this earth many, many times. We loved our discussions about faith and how it was working in our lives.

Many times since I learned of her death, I sit quietly and reflect on how much I valued her friendship. I wish you had known my friend, Jennifer Guberman, because you would have surely loved her...