This Wonderful Christmas Day 2008

So here I am in Florida visiting with parents, family and friends in from all around the United States. It's a wonderful time for my family.

The decorations in this magical house are courtesy of my sister-in-law, Katie who makes her home so inviting. Little white lights, red ribbons, and ornaments everywhere.

Even the little doggies have tuxedos on today and they bring us all such great joy.

Pictures are snapping everywhere and food, some which has been prepared for days, has been beautifully displayed and will soon be enjoyed. The grill is on and the last minute foods are being cooked now.

I look around the living room and there are numerous conversations going on...the young 2o year old crowd conversing on what their IPOD's contain, the Moms trading experiencings and laughter surrounding their child raising escapades, young love blossoming in the family for my college-aged niece and her boyfriend.

All the youngest of the family are doting on my two-year old nephew in from California and whom I've had the pleasure of being around for only the third time. It's amazing what distance does to family relationships. But today, I'm especially grateful to be playing around with and witnessing this young one, Elijah, opening his Christmas gifts this morning. It's an experience I haven't had since his older brother, Brandon was a babe.

As one of my brothers will be moving to Hawaii next month, I find myself especially aware that it may be a few years again until I'll have the experience of enjoying all of us being in the same town to spend Christmas together.

But today as I watch everyone enjoying themselves in mini-conversations all around my brother's home, I am reminded that joy comes from surrounding ourselves with people whom we love and who love us.

In my line of work, someone precious to us can be gone in a moment. So I guess I'm even that much more appreciative and some would say 'sensitive' to the recognition that life can change literally in a heartbeat.

No one knows what tomorrow may bring. Or if we'll even have another experience like I'm enjoying right this moment, as my eldest niece Ashleigh cozies up next to me. She and her sisters mean the world to me. They will always bring such joy to my life.

Let us always be grateful for the precious lives that touch us everyday. With all the turmoil in our world today...the economy, the prices, the wars, the fighting about the right laws of our land, the credit crunch...let us always remember the great gift anyone can give to each other is the time and experiences we share with those we love.

Time is the greatest gift we can give. All the things in our lives can be replaced. They can be found again. But the hugs and love and comfort and experiences with family...this exact special moment in time...can never, ever be captured again.

May you always treasure these moments.

Blessings to all of you on this Christmas Day!

Adam Walsh - A Closed Case

It has taken 27 years, 4 months and 20 days for John and Reve Walsh, their family, friends and the committed law enforcement officials to say those words. It has taken 10,005 days!

Think about that for one moment...10,005 days.

Little Adam graced his family's lives for only 6 years, 8 months and 14 days or 2,447 days before he was brutally murdered by Ottis Toole in Florida back on July 27, 1981.

Doing a bit of math, that says that it literally took three times more days to solve this crime than this precious little one lived on this earth.

When you've lived with an unsolved murder, as my former husband, his family and I had for 18 years, you understand this. You understand and learn too quickly that there is only a 61% chance that your loved one's homicide will be solved in this nation. (See this article and blog.)

Any teacher will tell you that's a failing grade.

But today we celebrate Adam's young life and all the good that came from his death. It was his parents' focus and decision that they would make something good happen from this tragedy which ultimately helped thousands of other families from waiting 27 years for definitive answers. I applaud them.

Meanwhile, to hear my comments on this case and the bittersweet ending, please visit my website. If you'd like to learn more about the history of this case, click here. If you're dealing with the murder of a loved one, you'll also find help at my website.

More soon...

Shopping and Grieving During the Holidays

One of the most stressful parts of the Christmas, Hanukkah and the holiday season is shopping for gifts but when you've experienced a loved one's death, it seems almost unbearable.

Family and friends are still expecting their gifts and it is difficult, especially for little ones, to comprehend that somehow you decided to sit out this season. So let's look at a few shortcuts to keep this task managable.

Online sites are by far the most efficient use of your time, your energy and your sanity. You sit, do some surfing, find what you want and presto, it shows up at your door. What a blessing the internet is for grieving-stricken folks. More sites are offering online deals than before and if you order from one site, chances are your shipping will be limited or perhaps zero.

Catalogues...same premise. Flip, choose, order by phone or on the web.

If you need to go to the mall, be prepared for the holiday music, the crowds, the lines, the hectic pace and of course, the people. Let's take one at a time...

The holiday music can flip you back to a time when the person you loved who has died was shopping with you and perhaps you were singing that song together. Maybe you sang it in the car with the children. Either way that memory can pop up and you well up with tears or feel tightening in the chest.

Crowds...you'll have less tolerance for nonsense now. Expect it. Crowds don't seem to fit in the picture. You're just trying to keep your emotional balance and don't need the pushing and shoving and diving into piles of clothing for the best bargain...get the picture.

The lines...you don't have as much patience as you normally would so long lines trying to get to a cash register is really the job of a good friend who goes to the mall with you.

The hectic pace...same issue with the crowds. This year your tolerance is low and rushing around trying to get everything done when you're energy level will be low to begin with, can be a difficult task.

People...this might sound like a funny one, but think about this. You've lost your husband, sometime since last Christmas, and here you are walking in the mall, you sit to have coffee. As you begin the people watch, since you're staring into space, you glance over to see a couple about your age who is embracing. Ouch.

Or you lost a child this year, you're walking through one of the major department stores and unaware you walk right past the little girls' section. It occurs to you that you won't need to buy anything in that department this year. Double ouch.

Now that you know some of the 'hazards' you can be prepared. It's more about being aware of what can occur, so you won't put yourself into a position where you'll be surprised. Just a little thoughtful planning will help make shopping this season more bearable.

Take the time to listen to your heart and obey what it's telling you. If you can't do any of this, have a friend or family member help. If you need to limit gift giving, that ok too. Just communicate it all beforehand to your loved ones. You're gonna make it through!! Promise.

After the Family Meeting

So you've gathered everyone together and you've courageously listened to all the viewpoints about whether to 'Christmas or Not to Christmas'.

You got more than you bargained for...some want the whole works, some want a condensed version, some want nothing at all. Now what?

It'll be somewhere in the middle.

Those who want it all, will understand it's just too overwhelming for you. Those that want nothing will need to honor that the person who died would want you to still live your life. And those who wanted something less than was ideal, are the compromisers of the bunch and thank God for them.

Now consider the list:

• Tree
• Decorations
• Baking
• Cooking
• Shopping for gifts/food
• Entertaining
• Invitations/Events in the community
• Cleaning/Painting
• Christmas Eve and Christmas Day Dinner

Take this list, and add to it if need be, and separate into four columns.

First column is the task (above), second column is how you usually handle this task, third column (most important) is 'How could I do this differently' and fourth column is 'Who can I get to help me with this?'

Now that you have a sense of what everyone in the household wants, develop the answers to these questions on paper, let it sit a bit, then revise again. It's a very interesting exercise which will soon show just how much time and energy we normally put into our traditions. It may be the cause of unnecessary stress at this point in our grieving process, so please take that into account.

Once you see it on paper, it can be much easier to reevaluate with family just what is 'do-able' this year.

To Christmas or Not to Christmas - That is the Question

Last evening as I was decorating and generally clearing away too many papers (perils of a writer), on the television came a 2002 Hallmark Channel movie entitled "A Christmas Visitor".

It featured a couple whose son had been killed in the Gulf War and had received notification from the US Army on Christmas Eve. Consequently, over the last twelve years, it seems this family had decided to forgo any Christmas celebrations.

In the movie, the only surviving sibling, this young man's sister, was dealing with surgery to remove a lump in her breast. At the time of her brother's death it seemed she couldn't have been more than 10 years old.

In a tender moment, she revealed to her Mother how she always felt unloved growing up because their family, unlike her friends' families, never celebrated Christmas after her brother John's death. She believed that by not putting up a tree, decorating the house, etc. that her parents were indirectly telling her that they loved her brother more than her.

Even the mother in the movie embraced the daughter and suddenly realized how selfish she had been in her own overwhelming grief that she hadn't taken into account how it would affect her daughter or husband.

When we have lost a significant person in our lives, especially a child or a spouse, our tendency as adults is to concentrate so much on our own grief and to dismiss the needs of the surviving children and family members.

If you are in this position now and you are struggling with whether to completely forego all the festivities of this season, please think twice. It's very easy to just crawl under the covers and just want to disappear, but there may be others in your life who count on you to love them and nuture them and make life as 'normal' as it has been in the past.

No one can say this will be easy for you. It's not. Actually, it's probably one of the most selfless things you will ever do, especially if this is the first Christmas, Hanukkah or holiday season you are living through without that special someone.

But remember this, please...how you show love to those who are living, will go a long way to how your family survives this tragedy. Your surviving children, and perhaps your spouse, are screaming inside, "but I'm still alive...notice me...love me...look at me...pay attention to me...hold me...cuddle me...say nice things to me...give gifts to me..."

If you are either unsure or have already decided to not do Christmas, please reconsider. You don't need to do all that you have in the past, but the very best start is to have a family meeting and let everyone express their feelings.

Once you have a clear understanding of what everyone feels, you'll be able to rethink a more moderate strategy for what you can do and what you just can't do. At least everyone will have a better sense of why you feel the way you do and they won't feel so left out of the thinking process.

Christmas or Hanukkah might look a little different this year but it can still be celebrated.

Next post will look at alternative ways to do that...

Gratefulness - How May We Count the Ways

Thanksgiving, 2008 in the USA is a day when we count our blessings. It is a day of recognition for all we have and all we've experienced during the past year. It is a day of being exceedingly grateful for all the wonderful family members and friends who still grace our lives and who bring meaning into each day.

In the hectic pace of commerce, the child rearing, the hobbies and sports, and all the tasks of living, we frequently remember to simply say thank you.

Thank you to our lover, partner, spouse and friend for all they give us in life. All the tenderness, compassion, care and concern. The little things that mean so much like when you're ill and they're there for you. Or when you just need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to hear the entire story just so you can get past it.

Thank you to your other family members and friends who always seem to know when you really need a friend and they either appear or call just when necessary.

Thank you to your little ones who make life so special. They always seem to keep us laughing.

The reason we take time to celebrate and recognize and thank all those whom we love, is because they will ultimately come a time when they aren't around to thank. And a life without regrets is simply the best way to live.

With gratefulness on this special day for all those I love and who love me...

MaryMac

On This Day: Honoring Veterans and Their Survivors

On this noteworthy occasion of Veterans Day in the US and Remembrance Day in Canada, I wish to acknowledge all the sacrifice of all those who have served in the military so that citizens, like myself, would have the ability to be free and safe.

How often we take for granted our security in this country. How often we forget to acknowledge that these amazing men and women have voluntarily, yes voluntarily, chose to go off to foreign lands and sometimes put themselves in harms way so that you and I could do what we do each and every day.

They give us the ability to have the freedom to choose how we wish to live our lives. Think about that for a moment. We get to choose what we do, how we speak about our government and it's elected leaders, whether we act respectful or not, where we choose to live, how we wish to spend our money, etc.

Their sacrifice makes all that possible.

Yet there are some of these brave men and women who we will not be able to honor face to face any longer, as they have given the ultimate sacrifice. Instead we thank their widows and widowers, their bereaved parents and children. Theirs is a much different, yet difficult road. They grow up without their loved one near them to love and nuture them, comfort and console them.

One book which supports families after a military death is "Military Widow: A Survival Guide" written by two outstanding ladies, both grief and bereavement specialist, Joanne Steen and Regina Asaro.

I'm am so grateful for this book as it's a long time coming. It was needed to be written as there is nothing else like it out there. It is so specific and gives practical and compassionate advice, laced with true-life stories of military families and their challenges after a loved one's death.

If you are grieving a military death, I highly recommend your purchasing this book. Click here for details.

Meanwhile, always remember our military's sacrifice for without them we would not know the freedoms we enjoy today.

Blessings to all.

Tunnel To Towers Run - Firefighter Stephen Siller

Regardless of the dreary, rainy day in NYC today, the spirits are extremely high as nearly 15,000 dedicated folks run from Brooklyn through the Battery Tunnel to the site of the World Trade Center in lower Manhattan.

It was there that Firefighter Stephen Siller, dedicated husband and father to five young children ranging from 10 years to 9 months, was killed on September 11th, 2001. To assist in the effort, he ran through the Battery Tunnel back into Manhattan with all his gear on.

To honor his memory and that of his fellow 342 New York City Firefighters killed that day in service to their fellow citizens, this race is held to raise funds for a Foundation in his name, started by his wife Sally and his family.

Nothing touches my soul more than other individuals who understand the great need to assist young children after the death of their parents or siblings. There are many organizations which only help 9/11 families but this organization helps children whose parents have died in any manner.

The Stephen Siller Tunnel to Towers Run (http://www.tunneltotowersrun.org/) raises funds to provide counseling and financial assistance to children under the age of 10, whose parents have died.

I admire and praise their efforts as folks who believe as I do that little ones grieve just like adults do, and we must care for them early, when they need us.

If you enjoy runs, I encourage your participation next year as they do wonderful work for young people.

And to the thousands of brave members of the FDNY, including my wonderful cousin Lt. Sal (Peter) Pastore in Inwood, please accept our sincere appreciation for everything you do to keep us safe everyday.

9/11 - 7 Years Later

I don't think I'll ever stop yearning for the images of the Twin Towers whenever I admire the majesty of the New York City skyline. This week the beams of white light rise from the ground through the sky to once again remind us exactly where those towers stood. From the first time I saw those beams, several years ago, then in purple, the images and placement in the New York City skyline are forever etched in my mind, never to forget how they graced the sky.

In Shanksville, Pennsylvania the heroism of the passengers of United Flight 93 thwarted the plan to destroy either the White House or Capitol Building. Such love for our country, to come to the decision that they would rise up and do what was right for our land disregarding their own lives. To know that you might die and still, in a just a few minutes, decide these enemies of our country needed to be stopped, was the ultimate act of heroism.

In Washington, at our Pentagon, 125 people died within that building along with 59 passengers of American Flight 77. A wonderful new memorial is now available remembering those who died in Washington. I so look forward to visiting it.

A total of 2,751 families lost their loved ones that day. Studies show when a single individual dies there can be upward of 300 family, friends, business colleagues, classmates, social circles, neighbors and others who are affected by their deaths. On September 11th, 2001, all Americans and citizens of the world became their family members, too.

Our country was forever changed that day. Through unspeakable tragedy, we became closer and kinder as a people toward one another and we became more resolute in securing our land. Let us always remember that we have passed seven September 11ths on our calendar, but we have not experienced another 9/11.

Let us give credit to our President, George W. Bush and leaders who changed the structure of government at many levels to insure we have not repeated this devastating day. Regardless of your politics, we have been kept safe since 2001. Our government's main mission is the security of its people. And they have succeeded and for that we are eternally grateful.

God bless all who have been affected and have suffered as a result of the attacks on our great nation and for all who, in their own way both large and small, from the first responders at all three sites, to the military who fight for our liberty, to the counselors who help the emotional pain, may we always honor their work.

No matter what our America has endured, no one, and nothing will ever kill our spirit!

Tony Snow - A Good and Faithful Servant

I can't remember the first time I saw Tony Snow on television. But I know it's been very many memorable years ago.

What struck me most about this fine man, was his optimism about life. Whether I saw him on Fox News Channel, or listened in to his own radio show or Rush Limbaugh's, I knew it would be a thoroughly captivating and educational time. I knew the time I spent with him would leave me feeling there were options out there I may not have considered. Options that would uplift our America instead of trash it. Options that were feasible.

And when he moved into the White House as Press Secretary, how happy I was to know I'd get to hear from him almost every day.

His husky yet soothing voice was unmistakable. And I would often be thrilled by the manner in which he would deliver his thoughts. As an author, I admire how others string sentences together and he did it so elegantly.

When a man dies, you usually get to know his character by the tributes of his family, friends and colleagues. Everyone was in awe of the manner in which he lived his life before and after he learned of his cancer challenges.

It's said it's not how we lived, but moreso how we died. From the accounts of all his colleagues, Tony worked through his illness with class and grace. He was a wonderful example of keeping his hopes high that he would beat his colon cancer.

My thoughts these last few days have been with his family, of course, but also his colleagues. It's an interesting dynamic which takes place when it's a dear friend who dies.

In Tony's case, he's in the media spotlight. Most of us will honor our friend and then go back to work immediately. But their loss and presence will be felt when we see their office empty, when they aren't around to reach out to when you have a thought or are working on a project you know their advice would be valuable.

So I want to acknowledge and validate the pain of a friend's grief. It's real and sometimes it's more real than grieving for a distant relative or other relative with whom we barely had a relationship. But a friend, and especially a business colleague...well, we'd see them or speak with them continually in the process of fulfilling our work. The vacuum left by their empty office, voice, writing, strategy, humor, talents will be felt for a very long time.

And when we lose a man like Tony, the level of that pain and loss, felt at FOX and on the radio and in the White House is significant.

When I think about the people I'd like to have the honor of meeting in my lifetime, Mr. Tony Snow was right up there on the list. I feel sad I'll not get that pleasure now.

Lord, Can We Please Replay This Tape

Remembering Tim Russert 1950 - 2008

My love of politics began at the assasination of President Kennedy when I found myself looking up at all the crying adults in my elevator wondering what would bring so many grown-ups to tears.

I woke up in the middle of the night when Senator Bobby Kennedy was killed to find my Dad on the edge of his living room chair staring at the television and there I was sitting next to him. The pain on his face was intriguing to me and I wanted to share that with him.

It caused me to walk into New York City Mayor John Lindsay's storefront campaign office at the age of 11 with my best friend who sat behind me in class, Ellen McHugh, to ask if we could help. They put us to work hanging posters on street lamps and we were so proud to be a part of that campaign.

The summer I was 16, I worked for the Mayor of my Village on Long Island and had a blast. I'll never forget those funky colored outfits he'd wear to go golf on Wednesdays.

As I went onto college, I ran and was elected to floor rep and dorm president and was active in school government. I loved it. And later I helped run Perot's NYC campaign and became Head of the Petition Drive to get him on the ballot in NY State. Eventually I ran the campaign in Queens and Staten Island.

But the most memorable was as a Precinct Captain and member of the Executive Committee in Florida during the 2000 election. What a wild ride to live that there.

Although I had many wonderful experiences during that election cycle, what stands out in my mind so vividly was the reporting and white board of Tim Russert that year. I was amazed at how he knew all the electoral votes within each state and I found myself working the numbers with him. It was heaven for me. It was thrilling and challenging and so amazing that it kept you hanging on for all the latest projections from Tim.

On Friday when I went online to see my email and there the headline said he had suddenly died, I was shocked as was most Americans who follow politics. I just stared at the computer screen and slumped in my seat.

I told a friend who said, "Tim Russert? Meet the Press Tim Russert?" To which I replied, "Yes, THE Tim Russert." And everything within me just simply could not believe this.

I spent the majority of my weekend watching all the tributes on MSNBC Friday night and Saturday night and then today I taped Meet the Press. How could I not.

I guess because my love of politics coupled with my passion to help the bereaved, makes me somewhat more sensitive to these kinds of things.

I looked at the Lord's picture which hangs in my home and said, "Exactly what were you thinking? Can't we rewind this tape?"

From my perspective, and others are saying this as well, it was absolutely, postively NOT the right time for him to leave us. His work was not done here, in my eyes. He had so much more to tell us and educate us on the political process. And he had so much more to give humanity and his family and friends who deeply loved him.

So I ask you Lord, "Can't we please rewind this tape? Can't we at least finish out this incredible election cycle because nothing would have been more thrilling than to see him play with that white board scribbling down possibilities as we come close to election day?"

Yet from a bereavement perspective, I'm aware that death is never fair. It doesn't come in the time factor we'd request. Because there really never would be a good time for someone so great to die, would there be. When exactly would the right time be.

If it were after the election, then we might enjoy his play-by-play, but his family wouldn't see him and his beloved wife watch Luke marry.

If it were after the marriage, perhaps his family and friends wouldn't see him as a grandfather sharing the joys of grandparenting.

But it turned out, God called him now...bad timing for us, but obviously the right timing for the Lord. That's the sucky part. We don't get to be in on the decision. And quite frankly, it never seems like good timing anyway you look at it.

So since the Lord can't rewind the tape I wish he would, I must be content to wish his family and friends comfort in knowing that there were many of us, who never had the privilege of knowing this gentle giant, but saw through the television that he was indeed so genuine, so pure of heart, so committed to those around him, so funny, so real, so enthusiastic about what he did in life and from my perspective, he gave us a legacy of love that will never leave any of us.

Someone like Tim Russert lived his life to the fullest. I often say I want to live till I die. And it's rare I find others who share that passion. Tim had that. He was a rare and treasured man to his family and friends and I, for one, will miss his smiling face and exuberant energy and laughter.

His passion to engage and educate Americans in the political process was simply divine.

So now God gets to have the firsthand play by play this election cycle, while He's greeting Tim and saying, "Well done my good and faithful servant."

The Ultimate Sacrifice

It's a very hot and sunny day today and while I expected to be at the pool by this time, I found myself working on the computer much longer than anticipated.

In the background I had C-Span on listening to the ungratefulness of the Iraqi Ministers testify in front of the Congressional Foreign Affairs, Int'l Organizations, Human Rights, and Oversight Committee.

When it was over, it replayed the Monday service at the White House where President Bush presented the Medal of Honor to the parents of Private First Class Ross McGinnis of Knox, Pennsylvania, whose brave service in Iraq saved the lives of four fellow servicemen when he put his body in the way of a grenade on December 2, 2006.

I found myself moving away from the computer and standing at attention in front of the television. I found myself moved to tears. As President Bush recounted how this young man wanted nothing more in life than to be a soldier, from the time he drew his picture at age 6, to the comedian he became, even being able to make his drill sergeant laugh, to always being there for his friends and family.

Although I may never meet any of the McGinnis family or other servicemen and women who were killed, I feel blessed to know there are people who call themselves United States military who protect me all over this world.

It's easy to measure deaths and destruction, but our inability to measure what has not happened is what we should also concentrate on. We have not had a major attack on our soil since September 11th, 2001. Our President and his administration needs to get credit for that.

We cannot measure how many people may have died in our country had we had other attacks. We cannot measure how many cities might have been destroyed, how many avenues of transportation may have been suddenly halted (remember how there were no planes for nearly a week after 9/11), how many neighbors would have been displaced or homeless, or how much destruction we would have needed to clean up, repair and rebuild.

If we leave Iraq tomorrow, as many citizens and elected officials prefer, would we still be able to gain the intelligence needed to stop attacks? Unsure.

Sometimes we feel we need to just worry about our own people...bring all the troops home from everywhere on this planet, isolate ourselves, close our borders, move the United Nations to some island where they can foot the bill to house them, exclude everyone who doesn't belong here and let them all handle their own lives. Let all the folks who hate our country leave and leave now. Let all these ungrateful ministers and heads of other states fend for themselves. After all, they hate us but, of course, they'll take our money and curse us as they ask for more.

I don't know the perfect answer and maybe there isn't one. But today, I want us to remember a valiant man who gave his life for the lives of others - Private First Class Ross McGinnis.

The scriptures tell us, "no greater love than this, than a man who lays down his life for another." The ultimate sacrifice.

And I don't know too many people who can ever say they'd do that.

To Always Remember Their Sacrifice

Memorial Day, 2008

In America, today we honor the men and women who have given the ultimate sacrifice by fighting in battles all around this globe, to keep our citizens free. Sometimes we forget that ours is an all volunteer military. We have no draft. We train these brave ones to kill the enemy so you and I can know that our existence in the United States is a safe one.

Yet, it is important to not only remember those killed, but the first-hand and second-hand survivors who are grieving as a result of those deaths.

If you consider any one person's passing will have upward of 300 people who loved and cherished them, it is a staggering number of people who remember them today.Just think of their family members, friends, neighbors, the military, classmates, teammates, business colleagues, people they knew from church, synagogue, social circles, clubs, etc. And what about their parents' and siblings' friends who knew them. They are also affected.

So there is much I want to say here...

First, I'd like to address the grief of the spouse, parents, siblings, grandparents, children, other family members, friends and loved ones of a man or woman killed in the line of duty. Your loved one gave the ultimate sacrifice and every American citizen owes you a sincere thank you for enduring the pain you feel now, for the good of our citizens’ safety.

Secondly, are the needs of military families. Their spouses have been raising children on their own, with little support both financially or personally, and doing a great job at it as well. They struggle to make ends meet and it is beyond me how our Congress cannot make it easier on these active duty families.

They are going into credit card debt, as many citizens, just to survive. But they shouldn't have to. Banks are foreclosing on homes, ruining credit ratings because credit cards haven’t been paid in a timely fashion. When you expect to be deployed for one tour, which turns into two and three tours, it sort of turns your life upside down.

It’s hard to worry about paying a credit card bill when your main mission today is staying alive and keeping those around you alive, all while in a foreign land. Do the people at these banks get it? Obviously not.

My solution…their debts should become frozen once they are deployed, not to gain a cent of interest or penalty nor become due again until six months after they’re home.

Exactly when will some Congressman or woman step up to the plate and make this right… Senator McCain - how about you?

And if this family experiences the death of their spouse in the line of duty, now they lose their homes, support systems, and more. They must leave the military bases and return to wherever they originally came. In the process they and their children lose their home, friends, classmates, neighbors, other military family's support. They lose more than just their loved ones. Additionally, they lose income so it is now doubly hard for the surviving spouse to readjust to raising a family alone.

Next…the first hand survivors are also military; those who knew the soldier directly.

Prolonged deployments overseas only delay the grieving process. Wisdom says we must help these brave men and women achieve mental stability all along the way.

Yes, it is only natural that we repair their physical bodies, but we must treat their mental symptoms as well. Seeing multiple deaths during repeated tours overseas is something that stays with you. It is not easily released.

And when someone returns to the home they once knew, they are changed. And they need time to acclimate themselves to their old lives. One thing is certain - they are different now. They have seen too much and are not the same. How could they be?

This weekend I wish us to remember how difficult it must be to trade in a machine gun, grenade, and HumVee, back to a laptop, blackberry and IPOD. I can’t even imagine how that’s done.

And, lastly, second-hand survivors are the family members of these surviving military buddies who will come home, grieving their fellow soldiers’ deaths in combat, and their immediate family members here in the US are scrambling how best to help them through this grief, not to mention their need to acclimate themselves into society back here once again.

So I find it unconscionable that our elected officials do not make it a higher priority to have premier bereavement services available to the surviving families of the military personnel who have been killed and to every active duty soldier overseas and later, upon their return home, to serve them and their families as well.

Military death touches so many lives and we rarely acknowledge all the people affected. Let’s begin to better understand the domino effect of grief caused by war…and let’s effectively deal with it from the onset.

Melancholy Mother's Day

Today's a day to pack up the car with favorite foods and baked goods we lovingly prepared and head over to our Mom's house to enjoy the family's company. Maybe she's a little older and now it's our time to welcome everyone to our home.

But there are many who will not have the pleasure of their mother's company this year. Children, teens, young adults, mid-life and even older adults all long for the days when they were held by, kissed by, loved by, consoled by, fed by, taught by, and even sometimes scolded by their Moms.

There are also mothers who will not have the pleasure of their children's company this year because they have pre-deceased them. No mother ever believes she will live longer than her children.

There are still other wonderful women who have almost become Mommies but have lost children through miscarriage and stillbirth.

There are women who strive to become pregnant and haven't yet achieved this goal.

There are also women who chose to release children from their lives through adoption, all in the name of a better life for them, yet they still long for them.

And lastly, there are incredible women, who all their lives believed at some point they'd become mothers and now in their latter years still wonder what it would have been like had their lives' circumstances been different, had life taken a different turn, and they would have been called "Mommy."

All these folks feel a melancholy Mother's Day.

I'd like to celebrate all these families and women today. Each live with a sadness in their soul today, but if we look around, there are many opportunities to fill that sorrow for someone.

If our Mom has died, we can always find another older lady who has no one and adopt her as your own. Bring her to the movies, bake with her, take her for walks. Get her out of the house. Laugh with her, cry with her. She might be as close as our neighbor up the block or down the hall.

If you experienced the death of your own children, you can reach out to a new Mom and help her in special ways with wisdom only you can give her. Especially if her mother has died, she will feel so fortunate for the motherly counsel.

If you've experienced miscarriage or stillbirth, I am here to validate your loss. They will always be your child, always. And for those who are working on becoming pregnant...Reach out to friends who have young ones and get involved in their lives. Being around little ones will help raise you up from the feelings of despair that it will never again happen for you. Envision how it will look when you're bringing your little one to the playground and changing their diapers and watching them laugh as you talk baby talk to them.

Watching "The Secret" will give you hope and help you see possibilities all around you and you need that now.

For my adoptive Mothers...you are truly special. Do you realize how selfless it is to make sure your little one was cared for properly. I can't think of anything more touching. You should feel such peace that you did the right thing, when perhaps the right thing wasn't happening in your own life back then. You put your feelings and concerns aside to insure your little one would have a better life. Feel peace in your soul for that, on this day.

And lastly, for all us ladies who were not blessed with little ones. We are a rather large bunch it seems. We are the ones who dote on the nieces and nephews and others children. We have fun text messaging, emailing, calling, sending photos, and laughing over funny jokes. Sure, it took us years to settle within ourselves that this dream would probably not come true.

We struggled with it for a long time and eventually we figured out another way to celebrate all the maternal passions we had. We volunteer for children's causes, we raise money for them, we become mentors for younger women (as a few precious ladies have for me), and we make sure we're busy making others' lives better.

So on this Mother's Day, I wish you peace above all else. That no matter what stage of life or motherhood, or potential motherhood you may be, that you will find peace within your soul right now. That you may know gratitude for the place you find yourself right now.

Because you deserve this...

How I will miss you, Jen...

It was a few months back while sitting in my office late one evening opening the mail, that I came across a letter with a familiar last name. It was from the mother of a wonderful woman I had become fast friends with on a flight up to NY a few years ago.

Little did I know that her letter would catch me completely by surprise with news I had never expected to hear.

Jennifer Guberman and I met on a Delta Flight from Orlando back in June 2005 as she pounces two seats from me with the line "it's really crowded back there, do you mind if I sit next to you?" To which I replied, "No, be my guest."

That simple greeting was the beginning of a wonderful friendship which came to a hault much too soon. You see, it was that letter I received that evening, all alone in the office, when I found out that Jennifer had died of a freak accident in her home in Worcester, Massachusetts a few months before.

Now you know many of us have friends all around the world and rarely do we have contact info to their immediately families. When we send emails or trade phone calls on cell phones, all of us being so busy, we realize when the person's life is less crazed, they'll eventually get back to us. Never do we wonder if anything dramatic has happened.

And usually, if it has, they will drop you a short note and tell you what's going on and you take it from there.

But this letter was so totally unexpected because I had been wondering why Jen hadn't called me around the holidays, or responded to my half dozen emails. It wasn't like her.

So here comes this letter from her Mom, which I must say, I am so grateful for otherwise I would have gone on wondering what had happened.

It turned out Jen died suddenly in her home several months before and I never knew it. And, really, how could I possible have known. Her parents had finally gotten her mail forwarded to them and there they found my Christmas card and gift to her. And thus, her Mom responded.

You know, you really are never ready to hear someone has died. You just aren't. I don't care if you knew them less than 3 years or your entire life. You don't wake up in the morning expecting to hear that kind of news.

So here I was in the office, all alone, and just burst out in tears. Yes, I'm a sensitive soul, otherwise I couldn't do what I do. But this one was a shocker. I sat back, trying to wipe away the tears which were not subsiding and I just couldn't comprehend this could be true.

I don't think I believe it yet anyway. It's just beyond me, first how all those months could have gone by and Jen and I to have not spoken either by phone or in print. And also, that I didn't know when it happened, couldn't have known, and her family couldn't have done anything more than they did to alert a whole host of personal acquaintances which moved somewhere between best of friends to business colleagues.

Jen and I worked together toward building the Foundation for Grieving Children. She listen to me tell my story on that plane that night and she encouraged me all the way. She offered her assistance in many ways and delivered on everything she promised.

When we were updating our database of services for grieving children, she took the ball and ran with it. She even got others involved (her friends Anna and Josh) and months and months later, the project was all typed in excel, ready for the next step.

When I didn't know how to research a project in the most expeditious way, I could always call on Jen, my resident librarian and PR person and she'd always give me great advice.

But mostly, you need to know that she was one of the most generous people I've ever know. She was there for me in the beginning when I was rebuilding my life after my divorce. She believed in my dreams and visions. She used her money many times to get supplies and her time to make it all come together.

I'll always remember how she asked how I was getting into Manhattan from JFK Airport the night we landed at nearly midnight. She decided I was coming along with her as the carservice was waiting, and after having dropped her off first near Lexington and 88th where she lived, she said to the driver "take her wherever she needs to go." She made me feel like a queen.

About a month later we spent Fourth of July together on the East River Promenade watching the Macy's Fireworks. It was so much fun. Or the time I met her at the doctor's office to get her home safely after a procedure. Or, when she was moving to Florida and I helped her clean out the apartment as her beloved dog, Rooster, would run around and jump on the bags. He was so funny and how she loved him.

Or when she came back to visit for business and stayed with me at my home. We had such fun. Or when I just needed an 'ear' and Jen was always there to tell me it would all come together.

There are people who are planted in our lives for only a short season. Jen was that angel for me. She and I had a very short time together here, but we spoke of God and His works on this earth many, many times. We loved our discussions about faith and how it was working in our lives.

Many times since I learned of her death, I sit quietly and reflect on how much I valued her friendship. I wish you had known my friend, Jennifer Guberman, because you would have surely loved her...