We've moved...Come Visit!

Hello my friends,

I've taken the past several months to learn the wordpress environment which gives me many more options.  It allows me to combine my website with my blog and, boy, does it flow well.

I hope you will join me at MaryMac.info where you will find all my writings.  Subscribe there so I'll be able to keep in touch with you.

I'm looking forward to your comments on the blog posts!  And you can always connect with me directly through the "contact" page.

Blessings and thank you for your continued support.

MaryMac

P.S.  Please send along the link above to any of your friends who might be bereaved.

Kids Who Grow Stronger After Trauma

I wanted to share with you a recently published article in the Wall Street Journal entitled, "Kids Who Grow Stronger After Trauma" by Sue Shellenbarger which speaks about the length of time it takes for our young ones to deal with significant trauma in their lives.

This is the very reason we raise funds at the Foundation for Grieving Children...to give to community-based organizations which help children work through their pain and loss after a loved one's death.

I encourage you to learn more by clicking on the links above.

9/11/10 - Nine Years Later

Over Labor Day weekend, my Aunt and I decided to watch the video of my cousin's wedding from back in 1996. As the camera man passed around the microphone for each person at the tables to wish the newlyweds their best for a successful, happy and prosperous life, we came to the groom's cousin and his wife.

Tears came to my Aunt's eyes. For this cousin had been killed in the Twin Towers on September 11th, 2001.

I watched him wish my cousin, the bride, and his cousin, the groom, a lifetime of happiness. I especially looked at his wife and all I could think was here they were enjoying a wonderful family wedding never realizing only five years later their entire world would be shattered by radicals who wish to harm our people and our great country.

As the tape played, my Aunt reminded me who his parents were when they appeared and we saw them dancing and laughing. We talked about how hard it was for his parents and how they nearly split up themselves from the trauma of losing a child.

We spoke about how they had had a memorial event and I donated several dozen of my book "Understanding Your Grieving Heart After a Loved One's Death" which my Aunt put in beautiful baskets with other items to be sold at the auction to raise funds. I had forgotten I did that until she reminded me.

No matter how many years go by, we cannot forget. For several months, our country was numb. And in NYC, longer than that.

I guess it's beyond me how officials in NYC are still playing the 'politically correct' card with all we've been through. There is no reason to build a mosque at Ground Zero when there are two in close proximity to it already. It's a slap in the face of law abiding, good people who have no evil intention.

It is also beyond me how Pennsylvania and DC have their memorials built long ago and we're still working on New York's.

Nine years ago at this hour, we saw smoke flowing for miles around the southern tip of Manhattan. Fires still burning, buildings still waiting to fall, nearly 3,000 people dead including 343 firefighters, many who were friends of another cousin of mine, a FDNY Lieutenant.

Let us always remember the victims of this earthshaking day and the families who were forever changed.

Uniting Children of Vietnam War Heroes

Today on Memorial Day 2010, I was so delighted to learn about a wonderful organization which was started 20 years ago to unite the children of the 58,260 men who were killed in the Vietnam War.

"Sons and Daughters in Touch" will celebrate their Dads' lives this Father's Day, June 20th, as they do each year on this special day, by gathering at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall at 10:00 a.m. in Washington, D.C.

Its leader, Tony Cordero, lost his dad when he was quite young and I commend him for providing such a heartwarming and healing opportunity for hundreds of thousands of children, who are now adults, who lost their fathers during the Vietnam War.

No one helps us heal better than another person who has walked in our exact shoes. They lived through seeing their Dad come home for short periods of time and be redeployed. They and their family members lived with the fear of not knowing whether he would return. Members of SDIT know exactly what it's like to walk in those shoes. And nothing could bring more comfort than sharing with a fellow survivor.

If you know of a family who survived the loss of a father, son, brother, uncle, cousin or other relative in Vietnam, please forward this information to them.

I applaud Mr. Cordero and the countless volunteers who help children, whatever their age, acknowledge their grief and celebrate the lives of their beloved Dads.

Sending Prayers to Heaven

As the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver, British Columbia come to a close, I wish to acknowledge the courage of Canada's Joannie Rochette who beyond all emotional pain following the sudden death of her mother, continued to see her and her mother's dream come to pass.

Brava Joannie...

Hope For Haiti...For the Past 20 Years

While its very admirable that the Hollywood community would rally to raise funds for those affected by the horrendous aftermath of such an earthquake in Haiti last week, I'd like to make you aware of an organization which has been helping the Haitian people for over 20 years, which truly deserves your support.

One of the key concerns for families donating their hard-earned dollars is always that the funds contributed will do the most good for the purpose the money was given. That was my desire when I developed the Foundation for Grieving Children.

When such major telethons join with the Red Cross, United Way and others who have, in the past, shown they have so many tiers of administration or that the funds are not managed well, I personally look toward other non-profits whose motivation is a pure heart.

Consequently, I'd like to introduce to you an organization known as Hope for Haiti founded by a good friend, JoAnne Kuehner. Her husband and I are alumni of the University of Scranton and I learned of her work many years ago.

She has a pure heart toward the children and families of Haiti and has been doing this work for over 20 years. This is the type of organization which deserves our support.

Ironically, the telethon tomorrow night has the same name as her organization which has been doing this work long before the earthquake.

So I encourage you to consider sending any donation you choose to make for the survival of the people of Haiti to JoAnne's organization. They have successfully helped the Haitian people in the past and are already on the ground.

They know the land, the people, the needs, the politics. From my perspective, they have a much greater ability to get the job done more efficiently and effectively than any group which has spung up overnight since the earthquake. For these new organizations, it's a learning process. For JoAnne's organization, Hope for Haiti, it's commonplace.

In this day and age, it is necessary to use our donated dollars wisely. Give your gift to Hope for Haiti at www.hopeforhaiti.com. They will use your generosity with wisdom and speed and, most of all, much love.

Our prayers are with all who have endured this tragic event and all who have given of their time to help these families rebuild each shattered life.

God Bless the nation of Haiti and its people. And God Bless JoAnne and her team for the countless years of dedication toward this cause.

When Grief Takes No Holiday

Katherine glanced at the oversized banner promoting 25% off all men’s wear. “That’s one department I won’t need to shop in this season,” she thought. A suffocating feeling soon overwhelmed her. The holiday music seemed louder, the decorations larger, and the shoppers multiplied with each panic-stricken stride toward the parking lot. Moments later, she found herself collapsed in her car, weeping uncontrollably.

For most families, year-end holidays are a time of reunion, festive meals, and gift giving. But for the bereaved, those grieving the death of a loved one, this time of year can bring anxiety, mixed emotions, and heartache.

If you are grieving the death of someone close this season, there are a number of things you can do to reduce the stress and alleviate unnecessary pain.

· Understand that you are working at limited capacity and have less physical and mental energy. You may have trouble focusing and concentrating. You may need more rest. Don't beat yourself up about this. There is no magical way to cope with your pain during the holiday season. Be gentle and patient with yourself. The holidays will definitely feel different this year and perhaps a number of years to come.

· Be selective with invitations. Don't accept invitations simply because of obligation, past attendance, or guilt. There are no "shoulds" anymore. Do what makes you feel comfortable surrounded by caring, compassionate people who understand your grief and are willing to support whatever emotions may come up for you.

· Build into each invitation the ability to change your mind. Yes…change your mind. It's okay to change your mind. With each RSVP, you might say, "I really want to join you, but I'm afraid I'll wake up that day and not feel like being around a lot of people. So I'm accepting on the condition that I can cancel at the last minute or, if I do attend and it gets too much for me, you won't be offended if I leave early." Now you've set the stage to be comfortable either way.

· Keep planning simple. The more complex, the more energy you need. Make a list of all your traditional activities. Next to each event write down your thoughts and feelings: This year I don’t have the motivation to cook dinner for twenty guests. In a third column entitled "How could we do this differently?" write alternative ideas to that tradition: Ask my sister to prepare dinner this year or would Christmas brunch be easier. Discuss these new possibilities with family members. Let the list sit for a day or two then go back and make some decisions.

· After you've made these decisions, don't second-guess yourself. And don't feel guilty. You are doing what you need to do to cope with this intense holiday and all the emotion it brings.

· Limit the activities you do choose. If you decide to bake your famous cookies, make three dozen instead of the usual six. Recruit a family member or friend to shop for the ingredients, decorate the delicacies, and help clean up.

· Break down your chosen activities into small segments. Don't try to do everything all at once. There is no hidden law that says you must decorate the Christmas tree and the entire house the same day.

· Don't expect perfection either in what you plan, the gifts you buy for others, or the activities you attend. Shop for gifts via store and mail order catalogs, and the internet. Many merchants will wrap, include a giftcard, and ship directly to your loved one.

· Spread the joy around. If you’ve had an opportunity to sort through your loved one’s belongings, now may be the perfect time to present that special memento to your family member.

· Try to add one new tradition in memory of your loved one. Meet at the cemetery as a family to decorate a small Christmas tree. Visit the lake, beach, park, or mountains to release colorful helium balloons with private messages to them attached to each ribbon.

· Communicate with family and friends - they cannot automatically figure out what you need. If you want others to speak openly about your loved one - using their name out loud - you must express your wishes to them. Often those closest to us are uncertain whether mentioning your loved one by name will bring you joy or pain. They need for you to give them permission.

· Find a supportive friend who will stay close to you during those difficult times throughout the holidays. Depression can easily set in along with the desire to hide under the covers. Don't let this happen to you. If you are feeling blue, call that friend and talk it out. Play soothing music in your home and pull back the curtains to welcome in the sunshine. Call your local 24-hour crisis center or perhaps your favorite ministry’s prayer line. These folks are trained to listen and help you. Don't shut yourself out from the rest of the world no matter how tempting.

· Spend the holidays with someone. Try not to be alone. Consider when the loneliest times are for you and make arrangements to visit with others, have them visit with you, or plan an activity out.

· Include the children. Don’t be fooled into believing children do not grieve. They simply do not have the language skills to adequately express their pain. Encourage them to draw pictures and decorate cards to hang on the tree or fireplace mantel.

· Spend more time with teenagers and young adults - this may be their first death experience. New emotions associated with the grieving process can be scary. If you are having difficulty connecting with your child, ask a trusted relative to “shepherd,” or watch over, them. Don’t be offended if they find comfort sharing their fears with an adult other than you. Your pride is less important than finding your child a safe haven to express himself.

· Limit your use of drugs and alcohol. Masking the pain doesn't make it go away – it only postpones the grieving process. You don't want to compound one painful situation with a long-term addiction.

· Do for others. By volunteering to help your community’s less fortunate, you take the focus off yourself and your pain. Is there a local nursing or retirement home that would appreciate your family’s time?

· If you find yourself happy, smiling or laughing, don't feel guilty about it. You are entitled to the release laughter brings.