Uniting Children of Vietnam War Heroes

Today on Memorial Day 2010, I was so delighted to learn about a wonderful organization which was started 20 years ago to unite the children of the 58,260 men who were killed in the Vietnam War.

"Sons and Daughters in Touch" will celebrate their Dads' lives this Father's Day, June 20th, as they do each year on this special day, by gathering at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall at 10:00 a.m. in Washington, D.C.

Its leader, Tony Cordero, lost his dad when he was quite young and I commend him for providing such a heartwarming and healing opportunity for hundreds of thousands of children, who are now adults, who lost their fathers during the Vietnam War.

No one helps us heal better than another person who has walked in our exact shoes. They lived through seeing their Dad come home for short periods of time and be redeployed. They and their family members lived with the fear of not knowing whether he would return. Members of SDIT know exactly what it's like to walk in those shoes. And nothing could bring more comfort than sharing with a fellow survivor.

If you know of a family who survived the loss of a father, son, brother, uncle, cousin or other relative in Vietnam, please forward this information to them.

I applaud Mr. Cordero and the countless volunteers who help children, whatever their age, acknowledge their grief and celebrate the lives of their beloved Dads.

Hope For Haiti...For the Past 20 Years

While its very admirable that the Hollywood community would rally to raise funds for those affected by the horrendous aftermath of such an earthquake in Haiti last week, I'd like to make you aware of an organization which has been helping the Haitian people for over 20 years, which truly deserves your support.

One of the key concerns for families donating their hard-earned dollars is always that the funds contributed will do the most good for the purpose the money was given. That was my desire when I developed the Foundation for Grieving Children.

When such major telethons join with the Red Cross, United Way and others who have, in the past, shown they have so many tiers of administration or that the funds are not managed well, I personally look toward other non-profits whose motivation is a pure heart.

Consequently, I'd like to introduce to you an organization known as Hope for Haiti founded by a good friend, JoAnne Kuehner. Her husband and I are alumni of the University of Scranton and I learned of her work many years ago.

She has a pure heart toward the children and families of Haiti and has been doing this work for over 20 years. This is the type of organization which deserves our support.

Ironically, the telethon tomorrow night has the same name as her organization which has been doing this work long before the earthquake.

So I encourage you to consider sending any donation you choose to make for the survival of the people of Haiti to JoAnne's organization. They have successfully helped the Haitian people in the past and are already on the ground.

They know the land, the people, the needs, the politics. From my perspective, they have a much greater ability to get the job done more efficiently and effectively than any group which has spung up overnight since the earthquake. For these new organizations, it's a learning process. For JoAnne's organization, Hope for Haiti, it's commonplace.

In this day and age, it is necessary to use our donated dollars wisely. Give your gift to Hope for Haiti at www.hopeforhaiti.com. They will use your generosity with wisdom and speed and, most of all, much love.

Our prayers are with all who have endured this tragic event and all who have given of their time to help these families rebuild each shattered life.

God Bless the nation of Haiti and its people. And God Bless JoAnne and her team for the countless years of dedication toward this cause.

In The Blink of an Eye

Well it’s been an interesting few months for me personally. On Monday evening August 31st Frank and I were driving home when an “alleged” drunk driver plowed into us head on, leaving us both unconscious in a near fatal crash.

Fortunately we were taken to the number one Trauma Center in the area, Hackensack University Medical Center in New Jersey, and spent seven weeks there being treated by a phenomenal Trauma Team, Orthopaedic Surgeons, Nurses and Aides.

This one irresponsible act has caused a great deal of trauma, pain, countless broken bones and realigned life plans for both us and family members who have graciously risen to become caregivers to us. Frank remains in critical care at the hospital and I’ve recently moved to a rehabilitation facility to work toward my recovery.

But as I’ve laid staring up at ceiling panels (do you have any idea how many tiny holes they have in them?) in between three surgeries, blood tests, IV changes, XRays, CT Scans, several pints of blood, Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, mountains of paperwork, police visits, and the constant consultations with nurses, trauma doctors and surgeons, you have no choice but to reassess how to move forward. And after the morphine fog slowly dissipates, and through a lot of trial and error you figure out a new pain management system, you begin to make plans again.

My beloved Foundation for Grieving Children, aka as the F4GC (http://www.f4gc.org/), continues to receive just as many grant requests while I’ve been hospitalized. We’d like to fill as many as possible and to do this I need your help.

During the month of November, we are asking our valuable donors and brand new friends who are sympathetic to our cause, to make their best donation at this season and also to extend an invitation and encourage all their friends in their email address books, as well as their Facebook, MySpace, Linked In and other social networking site accounts to give at least $10.00 sometime before November 30th. That’s only two coffees or a lunch!

To make it more fun, for each $10.00 donation you will receive 2 chances to win a 32” Insignia TV donated by Best Buy, 529 Fifth Avenue at 44th Street in Manhattan. If you donate $50.00, you’ll receive 10 chances; every $5.00 gives you another chance for the prize.

There are two easy ways to give:

1. By credit or debit card through Facebook (whether you have a facebook page or not) http://www.causes.com/donations/select_donation_method?cause_id=224506 or by

2. Mailing a check to Foundation for Grieving Children, Inc., P.O. Box 3057, New York, NY 10163.

The winner’s name will be posted on our website (hopefully with their smiling face!). Funds raised in November will be sent out as grants in late December to non-profit organizations which assist, educate, counsel and comfort little ones who have experienced their parent, brother or sister, or grandparent’s death.

So please take some time this month as we move into the gift giving season to strongly encourage all your friends on Facebook, MySpace, Linked In, etc. and in your address book to make a donation before November 30th. (Simply send this link to them (http://www.askmarymac.blogspot.com/) Many thanks for spreading the word to everyone you know.

And a very special thank you in advance for your personal donation!

Blessings to you and your family,

Mary Mac
www.facebook.com/askmarymac
http://www.askmarymac.com/


P.S. If you haven’t yet signed up to receive our F4GC newsletter into your inbox, please do so by simply sending an email to f4gc@aweber.com and we’ll send you updates on what’s going on at the Foundation for Grieving Children. We promise not to flood you with emails because I can’t stand that either!! Just the facts madam, just the facts…

P.S.S. If you’d like to do even more, please put our cause on your personal Facebook page.

Loving So Deeply...It Hurts

I am reminded today of how deeply we grieve and why that really is the case. I believe we grieve so deeply because we loved so deeply. And when someone has loved so deeply they expose themselves to the vulnerability of feeling incredible pain when that loved one has died.

When we are falling in love with someone, there is little thought of all the pain they would eventually feel should their sweetheart leave them through death before they left the other person. We don't give it much thought.

And as years go by and relationships are built and good times are shared and intimacy is developed together, we rarely think of what might happen if that person was no longer with us. If we might lose them to death regardless of when that might be in our lives.

We rarely think it might be sooner than later. We go into relationships thinking we will be with that person until we are old and gray and don't give it much thought that there could ever be a chance they will die prematurely.

But sometimes this happens. We take years to find the love of our lives and never think anything would stop our living the dream together until our 70's, 80's or beyond. We look for the long haul. We look toward the ultimate...being happily together forever.

Yet what happens if forever is a few months, like when a fiancee is lost, or five years like when a new husband is killed, or like 10 years when the children are little and we need to raise them now alone, or 20 years like when the kids are grown and you thought you'd have the rest of your lives together with your sweetheart alone now.

And you find yourself in a situation where you never thought you'd be. You didn't anticipate being alone at this point in your life. You are in love. You still have the fire you had when you began and it was snatched out from you at absolutely the wrong time in your life. There was so much life to still live.

I guess the greatest gift we can give those whom we love desperately is to always honor them, be kind to them and act as though they may not be here tomorrow. If we are kind and loving each and every day and let the nonsense slip away, we will never regret a thing of how we loved them. How we made them the center of our world. How we took the chance to completely and enthusiastically take them into our lives and love them without reservation.

Scary...oh yes. To open yourself up to that level of vulnerability seems crazy in the moment. But there needs always to be a time when we know deep down in our core that this person is my honey...my soulmate. He/she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and I am willing to take the chance to love them unconditionally knowing full well that we could lose them at any time.

But not having loved them would be so much more painful than taking the chance of loving them regardless of our past pains and losses. It takes courage to love again. It takes courage to live again.

And it is possible...

Paris Jackson...What Grief Looks Like

Regardless of whether you enjoyed Michael Jackson's music, admired his career and his life, or not, he must be given credit for raising such wonderful children.

On Thursday, at his memorial service, the world saw very clearly what a grieving child looks like. Paris Jackson, in all her pain, mustered the courage to speak for herself and her brothers about their Dad and the man he was to her and them.

For a young child to decide it was so important to let the world know what her father meant to her, speaks volumes of the way she was raised and the love she felt for her Dad.

I was amazed at the continued reactions by the media covering the event. I guess for me, who has seen the enormous effect the death of a loved one can have on a child, it seemed slightly insincere. Inside I was thinking, "have they not ever witnessed someone in deep pain before? Had they never, in all their years of reporting, not seen real, raw emotions when a person knows this particular day will change their life forever? Had they never know the death of someone close to them in their life yet?"

Grieving children are everywhere. Sometimes we get to see it up close and Paris gave the world a very clear picture of what that level of pain is like. For a short, very personal, moment, she allowed the world to see just what the loss of a father can do.

While she may not know it, her courage and her comments have helped millions better understand the devastating emotions that will undoubtedly continue to rise up for her and her family in the weeks, months and even years to come.

Grief is never easy...it is not pretty...at times it's even messy, because all of us grieve differently and at different times. And the unnerving thing about it is that until we're in the thick of it ourselves we rarely will know how and when we will react to it.

So I applaud Paris Jackson's courage. For with her very brief comments she helped the world better understand that a child's grief is real and difficult and yet, when expressed, can have a powerful impact on others.

Can't We Bury Our Heroes in Peace?

When I first heard the story of protestors disrupting the funeral services of our military men and women I thought it was a mistake. Then I found out it was true.

It seems that radical groups are picketing with signs at the burials of our heroes who have served our nation and died to keep us free. Don't they understand that it was they who died specifically to give us this amazing gift to actually have the right to speak out. But please folks...

When a family is at the most vulnerable time in their lives...when they have lost someone who meant the world to them, their parent, sibling, child, the last thing they need is a group of ignorant folks intruding on their pain.

What angers me so is that there seems to be a line that keeps getting crossed which raises the stupidity bar higher and higher. Not to mention the disrespectful bar.

If my grandmother was alive, she'd say "Now how were these people raised?" and I would agree with her. Having the audacity to think that your political views are more important than respecting the privacy of a family who is burying their loved one is completely beyond me.

I don't care what you stand for, whether you try to declare it's your free speech rights, there is absolutely no reason a person with any conscience would additionally and intentionally cause more grief than was necessary for any family who had lost a loved one.

I grew up learning the Golden Rule...do unto others as you would like them to do unto you. It seems to me if all of us would abide by that lesson, we might just pass along some kindness to our fellow human being. And with all the additional stress that our declining economy and the world has stirred up, it seems we would all welcome a bit more kindness into our lives.

Exactly What Were They Thinking...

One of the continual complaints grieving people have is the insensitivity of others to their pain. And yesterday in lower Manhattan we saw a perfect example of this. (Read more here.)

In an attempt by US Government Officials in Washington to get promotional pictures of Air Force One near Lady Liberty, they inadvertently frightened hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers who work in the World Trade Center area.

I guess the first word that comes to mind is stupidity. Then my thoughts lead toward incomprehension as to how a government official would not have considered that this act would bring up significant pain to those still sensitive to what happened in NYC on September 11th.

Would it not have crossed their minds that they should do everything in their power to notify all New York officials and make it public knowledge so there would be no panic. Instead our folks in Washington told the NYPD to keep it confidential. And no one even told NYC Mayor Bloomberg!

Ironically, this is National Crime Victims' Rights Week in the USA. We celebrate and remember the lives of those who have been murdered in our country...those who have been raped, abused, assaulted or harmed through the violence of another person.

The citizens of our country, but particularly the citizens of NYC who lived through 9/11 and the after affects and emotional strain, have that day tucked away in their psyches. It is a tender place and we don't need to assault it in any way.

Perhaps our government officials can please review their need for PR photos at the expense of increased anxiety and emotional turmoil in the lives of thousands of New York and New Jersey residents.

Can We Possibly Understand Multiple Murders?

I don't know that anyone will ever be able to explain, at least to my satisfaction, how one individual can deliberately take the lives of several individuals causing such havoc in the lives of so many families.

I remember one of the first instances where this affected my life was when the DeFeo family in Amityville, Long Island were all killed by their brother. From this tragedy came the movie, "The Amityville Horror."

Having been raised on Long Island, two of the children attended my same high school at the time and it stunned our student body. How could one brother decide to kill all his family members? How could it be that our fellow students wouldn't be returning to school. And while I wasn't extremely close to them, I did know them enough to say hello as we walked down the hall and engage in conversation.

After I became active in crime victims' work, I remember another family whose daughter's boyfriend killed her and then killed himself. What that family always struggled with was the inability to have someone take responsibility for her murder. They couldn't complete the process of having justice served.

In multiple murders, as with the Long Island Railroad Massacre that killed so many including Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy's husband, while severely injuring her son, Kevin, there are so many families affected by one person's sole action.

This is not something you easily recover from. As in the case of the nursing home tragedy I am hearing about today in North Carolina, those families expected their loved one's to die through natural means, but instead they have been catapulted into a national media event, as well as the shock of a sudden, violent death.

Whether the cause is fear, anxiety and worry of financial situations, or hate, anger and revenge toward another person, the ramifications of multiple deaths or murder/suicide is so long lasting and so filled with unanswerable questions that it wreaks havoc, lingering in the minds of their families' minds which no one should have to endure.

The Courage Behind SuperBowl 2009

Although I was so happy the Pittsburgh Steelers pulled it out at the very end of what turned out to be one of the best superbowls I've seen in a while, I couldn't help but feel so much pride for the crew who saved 155 lives in the Hudson River last month or feel so much compassion for Jennifer Hudson's courage that day.

On a very busy day in January, working from home, I found myself with binoculars in hand watching an airliner floating in the Hudson River. Having a ring-side seat to such an event is something you don't easily forget. Add to that a friend was traveling to Miami that day and as I didn't have his flight number, naturally I felt a little panicked, until that blessed text came in that he was safe and actually scheduled to be on a private jet instead.

I remember when members of the media were interviewing the survivors who would speak with them, each was asked how they felt they had made it out safely and every single one of them thanked or acknowledged that it was God who pulled them through. Every one.

It will never cease to amaze me how we always seem to acknowledge and call on Him when we're in a frightening place, but rarely have time for him otherwise. Someone once asked me why I thought we tend to call out to Him in crisis, and I told them I felt it was because inherently we know where we came from, and whose we belong to.

So when the crew was acknowledged at the SuperBowl I was quite pleased. Because we don't have many 'real' heroes amongst us any longer, it was wonderful that they were praised for their heroism, especially the captain whose skill and calmness of mind delivered all those men and women back safely into the arms of those whom they love.

And as for Jennifer Hudson...what can I possible say except that I welled up with tears as I stood at attention while she sang. I remember very clearly after my stepdaughter was murdered what was going on inside just a few months afterwards. It was a chaotic time, a time of numbness and confusion and trying to keep it all together. It was a very surreal time and you are unsure of your footing, just trying to function and moving one step in front of the other.

Her great faith will undoubtedly help her during this most difficult time in her life. To lose three family members at once is hard enough...to lose them all to murder in an entirely different thing.

Her performance was flawless and her composure amazing. I held my breath for her. And I pray that she will feel all that love that surrounded her that day when the bubble that's cushioning her starts to ease.